Swallow
by Misery's-Toll
Summary: Hinata struggles to be herself. AU College fic NaruHina. COMPLETE.
1. I

**Swallow**

by Misery's-Toll

**Summary:** Hinata struggles to be herself. AU College fic NaruHina

**Songs listened to:** "Can't Beat the Feeling" by Kylie Minogue and "Lucky" by Bif Naked.

I warn you of eating disorders, love triangles, and general drama. I recommend you read in 3/4.

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><p>The sight of her bones straining against her flesh should be enough to remind her she's gone too far. The fact that the face in the mirror isn't hers anymore, or that she can't even keep her lunch down should convince her to ask for help.<p>

Instead she fingers the brittle ends of her hair and _smiles._

* * *

><p><em><strong>I never meant for this to<strong>_** happen.**

0

_I will swallow if it will help my sea level go down._

* * *

><p>There's something stellar about a carnival at night.<p>

Maybe it's the air, hearty and full with the aromas of fryers at work, and the ease with which it flows into her lungs. It could be the way the lights, so bright and overwhelming, completely block out the stars overhead. Full sensory overload.

It couldn't be the company…no. Hinata was never one for over-enthusiastic social gatherings. Kiba by her side is friendly and exuberant, showing just the right amount of excitement with each and every triumph, but he does not make the occasion. He is like an accessory to the perfect evening.

"Hey, buddy! Why don't you step right up and win your little lady a prize, huh?" shouts the nearest carnie, his booming voice both startling and intimidating. Hinata tucks herself into Kiba's side to shield herself from view, but the heavy arm he slings over her shoulders regretfully informs her that he takes her automatic reaction as encouragement. The carnie continues, "Just throw the darts and hit a balloon! Easy as pie! Three darts for five dollars, five darts for seven! Everybody wins a prize; nobody goes home empty handed!"

Hinata shakes her head, eyeing the arrangement of poorly made stuffed animals, cotton oozing from their machine-stitched seams. "N-No, thanks," she says quietly to her companion, her voice swept away by the loud whirring of the carnival rides, "I'd like to ride the Ferris wheel."

Kiba laughs heartily, voice booming with confidence, "I don't need three darts! Just give me one and I'll hit your balloon!"

The carnie leans over the counter with a greedy grin and shoulders tight with anticipation. "Kinda cocky, ain't ya? And how about you, girlie? Wanna play? Why don't you show your boyfriend who's boss?"

Hinata shakes her head again, backing away from the large booth. As Kiba forks over the cash in his pocket, she takes the moment of reprieve to stare at the tall, imposing Ferris wheel. She'd like to reach the top, feel the warm brush of summer's wind across her cheekbones.

"Are you watching, Hinata? I'll get this, no problem!" Kiba shouts, and Hinata nods without paying much attention. She squints her eyes at the sky, but there are still no stars to be found. Maybe from the top of the Ferris wheel, with all the bright lights abandoned beneath her, she'll be able to see the whole galaxy.

"Damn it!" Hinata hears Kiba cry forlornly, and she finally rips her gaze from the object of her musings. The carnie is laughing pityingly and handing Kiba a consolation prize, a small plastic dog easily engulfed by his palm.

"Wanna try again, young man? Another five dollars gets you another three darts!" the man shouts with overbearing enthusiasm, holding the thin projectiles between his fingers. "You can't impress your girlfriend with such a measly gift!"

Kiba growls and glares at the small toy in his hand, and offers barely a look in Hinata's direction.

"That's a-alright, Kiba. I'd like to ride the Ferris wheel now," Hinata says again, but her voice is too tiny for the vast expanse of the carnival grounds. Kiba grins with determination and slams another few bills on the counter.

"Don't worry, Hinata! I've got this!" he assures, grabbing the darts and preparing his aim.

Hinata checks her watch just to be reminded that the battery is dead. Maybe she really should consider getting one of those iPhone things everyone has. She certainly has the money for it. It would also give her something to do during these awfully long moments of wounded male pride.

She feels uncomfortably exposed, standing in the middle of such a large and open space. The blush rises to her face unbidden, and she can't help but hope Kiba finishes soon. She pulls out her "_so-high-school" _(as Ino would call it)cell phone and pretends to text, typing gibberish into the keypad.

"Hinata, Kiba!" she hears, followed by a curse as her friend wastes his final dart.

Naruto bounds up, blue eyes wide with excitement and childish wonder, Sakura and Ino following behind him, too engaged in their private conversation to acknowledge her.

Hinata catches snippets of, "No way! He did not say that!" and "He totally did!" before turning her attention to the tanned man-god in front of her. She might as well be drooling. Is she drooling? She wipes the corner of her lips discreetly to hide any evidence.

"You guys would not believe the traffic! It took like half an hour to even make it to the freeway and then some asshole cut me off, and it was like _reaaarngh_ and _honk honk!_ We barely made it," Naruto babbles, before shooting a glance over his shoulder to make sure Sakura and Ino are still alive and with him. "Those two screamed the whole time like a couple of babies."

Hinata giggles into her hand, hiding her mouth in case her breath smells from the soda she drank earlier. Naruto grins, seemingly happy that she enjoys his stories. "What a c-couple of wimps!" she squeaks.

He laughs, bumping her on the shoulder with his fist in good humor, and she can tell from the heat in her face that she's turning purple. It's unfair that anyone should be as good looking as he is, in just a sweatshirt and some ratty jeans. No amount of clothing can hide his well-muscled body.

"I know, right?" Naruto continues, pausing to gain his breath just in time for Ino to butt in.

"Oh, Hinata! I didn't even notice you!" she cries, throwing her arms around the girl with limbs like tentacles, and even with all of Hinata's effort it's impossible to remove Ino's suction-cup hands, "Oh dear. What are you wearing?"

For a moment Hinata thinks she's talking to Naruto, but she realizes then that all eyes are on her. What? What's wrong with her outfit? It's just a T-shirt and some capris -you can't go wrong with that, right? She'd thought the T-shirt had highlighted her boobs quite well without giving off any impressions of floozy-ism.

In embarrassment, she starts to erupt into giggles, and no matter how hard she clamps her hands over her mouth she can't fight the laughter that bubbles from her gut. Her body seems to forget she needs oxygen in times like these.

"Aww, you've embarrassed her, Ino-pig. You look great, Hinata! Purple's really fetching on you, I think," Sakura says genially, reassuring Hinata with her gentle gaze until she notices the wall of stuffed animals beside them.

"Hey little lady, wanna win a prize?" The carnie shouts when he realizes he's caught her attention, and the cycle starts over again.

* * *

><p>The five of them squeeze into a passenger car with varying shades of enthusiasm. Ino seems far more focused on screaming about her lack of service when her text messages won't get through to her boyfriend, while Sakura is content to snuggle the large teddy bear she won for herself.<p>

Hinata is both giddy and jealous, not because Kiba's prize is insignificant in comparison, but because she would have liked to have been strong enough to try and fail on her own.

"There's no way you won that! The game is rigged; I know it!" Kiba growls, crossing his arms over his chest resolutely, "Damn carnies. He's probably getting a good laugh out of it right now."

Sakura chuckles loud and unabashedly, "He's not the only one!"

Naruto's knee bumps Hinata's and she can't help but squeal inside. When he leans forward, the band of his boxers peaks out over the top of his jeans, and her blush comes back tenfold. "Don't be so surprised, Kiba. Sakura has perfect aim. She's whooped my ass at bowling and horseshoes too many times to count!"

Sakura grins proudly, hoisting her victory prize over her head with cheer. Then the big wheel lurches into motion and she scrambles to get it tucked safely beneath her arm.

Hinata peers over the edge of the gondola, gaping at the cityscape before her. She can see far past the carnival grounds, even as far as downtown. But when she looks to the sky, there aren't any stars.

"I can't believe there's no service here," Ino groans, stuffing her blackberry into the Juicy Couture bag by her side. She pulls out her digital camera instead and tosses it haphazardly to Naruto, who fumbles with it in surprise, "Take a pic of me with my bestie! This is totally going on Facebook, bitches."

With the large stuffed animal crammed between them, Ino and Sakura throw their arms around each other, Sakura planting her lips on Ino's cheek.

Naruto blushes and starts pressing buttons, "It isn't working! Your camera must be busted."

Ino sighs and says through her forced smile, "Give it to Hinata, you idiot. It can't be broken. I just got the damned thing."

Hinata looks up at the sound of her name, scooting warily closer to Naruto to see what he's doing wrong. She may not be big on technology, but she knows enough to work a camera. But she can see just by looking over his shoulder that Naruto is browsing through the photos, only pretending to struggle with the basic controls. He offers her a conspiratorial wink.

"Naruto," she sighs affectionately, pulling the contraption from his grasp and aiming it at her two female companions, "Say ch-cheese!"

"Cheese!" Ino shouts, Sakura's puckered lips turning into cheeky grin against her bff's cheek.

A few seconds pass.

"Oops," Hinata giggles, "It's recording!"

Ino rolls her eyes and shoves a laughing Sakura away from her, taking the camera from Hinata's hands and aiming it toward the girl. "You're hopeless!"

Hinata blushes and looks away from the lens to stare at the great colorful expanse of the scenery around them. She curls her arms around herself uncomfortably and smiles at the camera without really acknowledging it.

"Be careful or you're gonna lose that thing," Kiba says, edging his way into the scene by scooting closer to Hinata, sandwiching her even further against Naruto. She's not sure whether or not to complain. "But I bet your daddy would just buy you another one straight away, no questions asked."

Ino rolls her eyes and ends the recording, stuffing the camera in her pocket, "What do you know, dog breath?"

* * *

><p>"Are you hungry, Hinata?" Kiba asks, finally restoring his roll of an attentive date. Not that a date is what she had in mind, but Kiba seems insistent. How does a girl say no when the guy never even clearly states yes? There's always the chance she's blowing this whole thing out of proportion.<p>

The moon is high, and Hinata suspects that it's probably nearing midnight. Beyond the adrenaline and excitement of an eventful evening, she can feel the tug of exhaustion.

Her stomach growls loudly, and that just about answers Kiba's question.

"I'll take her," Naruto pipes in, despite appearing engaged in a discussion with Sakura about the true way to eat a funnel cake. "I'm starved, and you just ate the hugest turkey leg known to man."

Kiba coughs and crosses his arms, "I…I could still eat."

Naruto smiles obliviously and urges, "No, go ahead and ride the bumper cars with Ino and Sakura! Unless you think you'll get beaten by a couple of giiirls."

"I'll kick their asses to Suna and back!" Kiba declares, momentarily forgetting his stake in the argument, and frowns when he realizes his sacrifice. But when he sees the large, glowing sign for the bumper cars, he can't help but cave to the idea just a little bit. "But Hinata and I have a game of goldfish scooping with our names on it!"

Naruto nods, "I'll bring her back untouched…mostly." He grins at her and her knees wobble beneath his dazzling gaze. She's slowly turning into a puddle of goo, and it's all his fault. Why couldn't Kiba make her feel this way?

* * *

><p>They separate from the group and end up at Naruto's favorite nearby restaurant, Ichiraku. She wonders if it's habit or if he remembers that once in their Junior year of high school she told him she loved red bean soup, which Ichiraku is renown for along with its ramen.<p>

They both order hearty bowls of their favorite soup, Naruto chatting happily until their food arrives.

"You know what I've always liked about you, Hinata? You order whatever you want. You don't worry about your figure or anything," he comments offhandedly through a mouthful of noodles, broth splashing across the table.

Suddenly the large dish in front of her seems imposing and unnatural. Suddenly she isn't hungry.

* * *

><p>The night ends when Kiba drops her off in front of her family's residence. When he leans in to give her a kiss, she whispers, "Don't…m-my dad…"<p>

He seems conflicted but he nods, stepping away from the porch of her massive home and into the shadows, bounding back to his car with a quiet, "Good night."

The house is silent and does not greet her upon return. She knows it is late, but she is surprised by the utter stillness. She can't be the only one still awake. Neji should be studying for an exam, Hanabi having a girlie sleepover that sends resounding shrieks down the hallways of the Hyuga compound.

Hinata crawls into bed and listens to the residual roaring in her ears. Her head is full of the sounds of laughter and music and cheers. She wishes it were enough to keep her warm, but alone with the light off, she knows she'll never fit in with the other girls.

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><p><em><strong>All I ever wanted was for you to like me.<strong>_

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><p>Hinata struggles to stay awake. She stayed up the night before to hurriedly finish a paper she hadn't realized would require full annotations. Professor Jiraiya teaches literature with a passion that normally keeps her back straight and eyes focused, but today she's sinking forward in her chair.<p>

Naruto pitches a balled up piece of paper in her direction and it hits her in the temple, bouncing off her head and landing on the floor.

It sits there, unacknowledged. She can't just lean over and pick it up! That would be embarrassing, and it would be so obvious that they are passing notes. _This is so high school_, she imagines Ino saying, popping a bubble of watermelon gum between her teeth.

Hinata sighs. It's no use. She'll just have to wait until after class to see what Naruto wants to say.

After another moment, the redheaded boy beside her picks up the note and holds it in front of her with a smirk. She lets out a small squeak. How did he manage that so nonchalantly? Professor Jiraiya didn't even glance his way! The student (Gaara, she thinks his name is) holds it out insistently, and she blushes under the intensity of his gaze.

"Ah, that's not mine," she whispers, and immediately wants to smack herself in the face. Gaara just rolls his eyes and sets the paper on her desk, returning to scrawling notes in his journal.

GOING 2 MALL WIT GANG. R U COMING?

Hinata cringes at Naruto's horrible English, especially considering what class they're in, but a tired smile wins over her countenance anyway. She hurriedly scribbles her answer down and crinkles the paper into a ball in her palms.

Then her hands begin to sweat when she realizes she'll have to throw it back. She can't do that! She has horrible aim! Sakura is much more fitted for something like this. She glances at the back of her pink-haired friend, but even she is too far away to ask for a favor.

After a solid minute of sitting ramrod straight, the note crunched uncomfortably in her damp fist, the redheaded boy beside her sighs, holding out his hand to her without looking up from his notebook.

She stares at the offered hand blankly, uncomprehendingly. What is she supposed to do with that?

"Give me the note," he says, looking perfectly focused on copying down the material on the whiteboard. Hinata jumps, cramming the note less than gracefully into his awaiting palm. He looks up momentarily to toss it at Naruto, and he goes back to his work.

"Thanks," she whispers, feeling foolish and overheated with a rising blush. He shrugs like it was nothing and she almost thinks that's a smile forming on his lips.

"Who doesn't just text, nowadays?" he asks himself quietly, and Hinata doesn't know the answer.

* * *

><p>On the way out of the classroom, Naruto grabs her by the elbow, and she lets out a loud squeal of surprise.<p>

"Hey, why can't you hang out with us? Ino and Sasuke get out of Bio in like twenty minutes. The wait isn't that long if that's what you're worried about," he says, and quickly guides her out of the way of the exiting crowd so that they're standing next to an inspiring case of trophies and plaques.

"Ah, no…that's n-not it…" Hinata stutters, Naruto's hand almost scalding against her skin.

Twenty minutes alone with him sounds glorious, but Professor Jiraiya just assigned _another_ 2,000 word essay, and she needs at least Bs for the rest of the mini-mester if she's going to pass. Her father would be furious if he knew all the money he was dumping into her education was being wasted.

God, she's such a failure.

"We were thinking of seeing that new movie with whatsherface in it. You know, Yukie Fujikaze. I can't remember what it's called, but Sasuke thinks she's really hot -don't tell Sakura I said that. I'm sure we all want you to come, Hinata," he says, leaning against the glass of the trophy case, looking dashingly handsome.

"Kiba's not going?" she asks, almost hopeful. She can imagine herself sitting next to Naruto in the theater, the lights going dim as the film begins. Naruto's knee would bump hers, but he wouldn't move it. And then a few minutes in, they would both reach for the popcorn at the same time and…

"No, he's got work," he replies, a peculiar expression on his face. It looks so peculiar on a man who's never been anything but an open book.

* * *

><p>From her seat by the library window, she has a view of her friends heading toward the parking lot, looking jolly and generally having a good time. Without her.<p>

She can see the way Naruto is enchanted by Sakura's smile and Hinata tries to part her lips in just the same way, stretching them wide across her teeth. It feels unnatural. She catches the glance of a nearby student and ducks beneath her textbook.

Why does she have to be so embarrassing?

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><p><em><strong>Were you thinking about me? Did you worry?<strong>_

* * *

><p>"I heard Kiba asked you out," Sakura says, twisting Hinata's hair into a well-practiced French plait. Because it shows off her long neck, she said, but that doesn't sound like a good thing to Hinata.<p>

"W-What?" Hinata stammers, cheeks burning scarlet. Being able to see the whole thing happen to her reflection makes it even worse, and she averts her eyes from the unattractive image, "No!"

Ino laughs, putting the finishing touches on her own pedicure. It's the new "crackle" nail polish, whatever that means. When Hinata asked, the blonde only laughed. "Really? Well he's going to. Sure taking his sweet time, that boy."

Hinata risks a peek at her reflection, and finds that the blush hasn't diminished any. Why would Kiba ask her out? She hasn't led him on in any way! …has she?

Sakura gives the braid a final blast of hairspray before throwing down her styling tools, feigning an expression of exhaustion. "Phew, I thought I'd never finish! Your hair is so thick, Hinata!"

Is it thick? Does Kiba think so? She examines Sakura's handiwork in the mirror, but can't decide if she agrees. So she utters a quiet thank you and slinks out of the chair, allowing Sakura to get a start on her own make-up application

"I'm so excited to see this new club," Ino gushes, wiggling her toes to admire her painting job, "I bought a dress and everything."

"Really?" Hinata asks, and she wonders if maybe she should have gone shopping for the occasion. She was just planning on wearing jeans and maybe a racerback tank. She's never been to a club before. Do people usually wear dresses?

Sakura dabs on a plentiful amount of Love & Beauty lip gloss, fluttering her eyelashes at herself alluringly. "I did too, but it's not fancy or anything. Don't you have any short skirts or anything, Hinata?"

Short skirts? Hinata goes to her dresser and begins to rummage through. She has a lot of capris, a few V-necks. She's never really owned any skirts; there's no way her father would ever let her go out in one.

"Maybe a pair of skinnies would be better, don't you think, Forehead?" Ino says, and Hinata senses a mild appraisal of her legs.

She knows she's not a size 2 like Ino or Sakura, but Hanabi said a size 10 is nothing to be ashamed of. Hinata just has a lot of curves. Sakura gives Ino a meaningful glare that she thinks Hinata doesn't see, and that's when she knows. She _knows_ this is something they gossip about when she's not around. This is something they've discussed.

"Ah, Ino is p-probably right," Hinata tries to laugh good-naturedly, hiding her expression by digging further into her drawer, "I don't really have any skirts."

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><p>Usually she would change openly in front of her closest friends, but this time she hides in the bathroom so they won't see how her size 10 ass jiggles. Or how she has to suck in her breath to even get the pants to button.<p>

* * *

><p>She trips over her own feet in such ridiculous high heels, but Kiba is always there with an arm around her waist to keep her from falling. She wishes it were Naruto, but she hasn't seen him yet this evening. How can she when she's blinded by Technicolor strobe lights every other second?<p>

"You look really hot," Kiba breathes into her ear, and the butterflies in her stomach feel more like nausea than anything. The club is too loud, too stiflingly hot, and Kiba's overbearing warmth isn't helping.

"Ah…" she mumbles in response, but she can't blush any brighter. Sweat is beading between her shoulder blades and beneath her arms. Soon she's going to have some very unattractive stains if she doesn't get a little air.

Kiba leans even closer, if such a thing were possible, and says, "You wanna dance?" She can feel his moist breath against the shell of her ear and an unbidden shiver travels down her spine.

She can see Ino's sinuous body twisting around her handsome boyfriend, unrestricted and graceful in every movement. Hinata is highly aware of her own stumbling gait and awkward limbs…there's no way she can dance out there next to someone like Ino. No way!

"I'm, um…thirsty," Hinata says, and blinks hopefully in his direction. Maybe Kiba sees something promising in her wide opal eyes, because a second later he's smirking and grazing her earlobe with his teeth.

"I'll be," he presses a kiss to her temple, "right," to her cheek, "back," her throat.

And when he leaves her side, she almost collapses. After a moment of wavering uncertainly, she decides to sit, the hard ground a welcome reprieve for her aching feet. Without another second of hesitation, she yanks the silver pumps from her heels and tosses them into the undulating crowd. Good riddance.

She knows she only has a minute to choose between fight or flight, and her body quivers with anticipation, but she can't even face the idea of making a decision right now. How can she possibly choose between a romantic evening with Kiba or breaking his heart?

"Are you okay, Hinata?" she hears, and from the mere fact that the voice is distinctly male, she fears she's run out of time. But when she looks up, it's Naruto's cerulean gaze she's graced with instead of Kiba's maroon eyes.

"I'm just taking a b-break," she gestures at herself flippantly. She's already made a huge fool of herself. There aren't many ways she can look worse in front of Naruto than trembling in a sweaty heap on the floor.

Naruto laughs and sits down beside her without prompting, examining the writhing party goers and the sinning couples with an objective interest. "This isn't like high school parties. No kegs or nothin'. A lot of drugs, though. That's the same."

Hinata giggles halfheartedly, "Hoping to relive your g-glory days, Naruto?"

His smile is lopsided as he loses himself to a memory, and he sighs, "Something like that."

In silence, the two stare into the crowd, catching glimpses of Ino and Sakura and their respective dates, winding around each other and whispering secrets. Then abruptly, like nothing happened, Naruto is jerked back to the present.

"You're so practical, Hinata," he says suddenly, looking her over without pretense. Not like Kiba who'd been undressing her with his eyes since he first saw her.

She shakes a little harder beneath his scrutiny, reliving the memory of Sakura and Ino's earlier implications, "What do you mean?"

He laughs, maybe just because he can and says, "The others are all about their fancy make-up and clothes, but you're just you. None of that dressy stuff."

Before Hinata has the chance to respond, to even blush or cry, Kiba returns. The Shirley Temple in his hand is not promising. She wants to sigh. If she wanted a non-alcoholic drink, she would have gotten it herself. She's tired of everyone assuming that just because she's shy or a little bit weird that she can't hold her liquor.

"Hey, Naruto. You stealin' my girl?" Kiba asks it teasingly, but there is a definite underlying threat in his tone.

Naruto pulls himself to a reluctant stand, smiling at the red drink in Kiba's hand. "That for me?"

"You wish. Go find your own date," Kiba grins and the tension is broken. Naruto's lingering gaze catches Hinata's, but the thump of her heartbeat grows too loud in her ears so she drops her gaze to her bare feet.

"Like I'd want a pansy-ass Shirley Temple, anyhow. Hard liquor all the way for me, baby!" Naruto shouts, pounding his chest with his fists as he stomps away.

Whatever sight Kiba expected to return to, it probably wasn't this, Hinata thinks to herself. Feeling uncomfortable and exposed on the floor in front of Kiba, she shakily stands, avoiding all eye-contact with the man in front of her.

"You don't like me, do you?" Kiba asks, holding the vermillion-filled glass away from himself like it's diseased.

All the bones in her body begin to vibrate, and for a moment she thinks she's going to faint. And what a welcome distraction that would be, if only unconsciousness would come. But instead she's shaking and sweating and staring at the floor while Kiba looks at her insatiably.

"I…" she starts, and chokes on the lump forming in her throat. She can't do this. This can't be happening.

"I like you," she says, and her fate is sealed.

* * *

><p><em><strong>It was hard enough without you judging me.<strong>_

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><p><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> I do not own Naruto or any of the miscellaneous brand names mentioned. I also don't own the italicized quote at the beginning, by Emilie Autumn.

**A/N:** This started out as a one-shot that quickly got out of control. It will probably be four chapters in length, probably each about this size. I have almost the whole thing written, so I'll probably update every other day. Just as a warning, pretty much everything was written in a sleep-deprived state, all in one sitting, and I don't have a beta. So...yeah.

This is my first NaruHina centric fic, but it'll be angst like all my others. I'll try to keep a decent balance between angst, comedic-relief, and romance, though.

Thank you for reading, and I hope you'll let me know what you think so far. (:

-MT


	2. II

**Swallow**

by Misery's-Toll

**Summary:**Hinata struggles to be herself. AU College fic NaruHina

**Songs listened to: **"Oh Ana" by Mother Mother, "Unsaid" by Little People, and "I Will Follow You Into the Dark" by Death Cab for Cutie.

I recommend reading in 3/4 view.

* * *

><p><em><strong>This was almost inevitable.<br>**_

0

_I'll take a deep, deep breath, but I'll come back to haunt you if I drown._

* * *

><p>One night, Hinata gets home before dark. She can't remember being present for a family dinner since she was a second year, but when she comes through the door the first person she runs into is her father.<p>

"I expect you'll join us for supper this evening," he says without a greeting, and with her reluctant nod he vanishes into his study.

One of the housekeepers is scrubbing the floor in the doorway, so Hinata spends the next couple of minutes loitering in the entry hall, pretending to organize her backpack's innards. Maybe if she just said excuse me she could squeeze past, but Hinata doesn't want the housekeeper to think she is okay with walking all over the woman's hard work.

So she waits, first arranging her papers according to turn-in date, and then picking all of the staples out of the upper corners. The clock is ticking, and she is running out of time to make herself presentable for the dinner table. When finally the housekeeper is finished, Hinata runs through the doorway so quickly that she slips on the wet spot, and the collection of staples in her hand scatters across the shining floor. Her reward is a sore tailbone.

"Ouch," she moans quietly and forces her body to remove itself from the puddle.

When she limps into her bedroom, she finds herself faced with the dilemma of impressing her father. Damp jeans and a sweatshirt aren't going to put a smile on his face. So she pulls her hair into a modest braid and puts on a dress fit for a Sunday school teacher. When she sits across from her father, it's with false innocence, like she's been present all along.

"Hinata, don't slouch so much," he reprimands as another table setting is placed to accommodate her. On her first bite of rice he demands, "Don't be so sloppy."

She holds her head high, preparing responses for uncomfortable small talk, but the entire evening is just a reminder of why she doesn't eat with her family anymore. It's like she's not even there. She may be a Hyuga, but she is not important.

When it's time for dessert, she excuses herself early even though they're having cinnamon rolls.

* * *

><p>It's hard to concentrate when it's raining. She's not sure what it is, but something about summer thunderstorms makes her fidgety and easily distracted.<p>

She borrowed Neji's laptop with noble intentions, but after working on her homework for only a mere half hour she finds herself clicking through Facebook, typing status updates and backspacing them before they become visible to the world. She doesn't have anything interesting to say, anyway. What, like people want to hear about the trials and tribulations of the average medieval poet?

Truth be told, she might be doing a little bit of stalking, too. Naruto's profile is just so easily accessible, and how could she possibly deny herself the opportunity to look through his beach photographs? He looks down right delicious in the summer sun, sweat and sand gleaming on his body like it _wants_ to be licked off.

Catching herself on that last though, Hinata's cheeks burst into flames. _I'm going to hell_, she thinks, and closes out of the album.

At the same moment, a chat box pops up on her screen.

**Naruto Uzumaki:**  
>I KNO WAT UR DOIN<p>

Hinata jumps in her seat, bumping the desk and sending a cup of writing utensils toppling over the edge. Oh, God. She's definitely going to hell. The cursor hovers over the red box in the upper right corner, just begging to be clicked. She'll pretend this never happened, and if Naruto asks her about it later, she'll deny it to the grave.

**Naruto Uzumaki:**  
>UR DOIN HOMEWORK AREN'T U? HEHE<p>

Hinata sighs so hard she feels faint, smacking her forehead down on the keyboard to bask in sweet relief.

**Hinata Hyuga:**  
>kdfsk<p>

She quickly signs out of Facebook and tries desperately to concentrate on a paragraph about Chaucer. Her eyes focus in on one quote. "Love is blind."

"Sure is," she giggles giddily to herself, and she silently promises to stop using Neji's computer for anything but homework. Besides, this study guide's not going to do itself.

That night she dreams of standing by the sunset bathed ocean, buckets of red-yellow-blue paint spilled out on the water's surface. Somewhere in the back of her mind she knows Naruto's just over the hill of sand dunes, but even when she screams his name he never comes running.

* * *

><p><em><strong>I wanted to be good enough.<strong>_

* * *

><p>It doesn't make sense. Working ceaselessly does <em>not<em> end in an F on your final exam. But there she is, sitting with a big, fat proof of failure in her hands.

"How'd you do?" asks Sakura on their way out of the classroom, Naruto trailing close behind. The bright chatter of success flows easily in all directions as students file through the doorway. Is Hinata the only one who did not pass?

"I…I got a B," Hinata fibs, her paper crushed pathetically at the bottom of her backpack, never to see the light of day.

Naruto cheers, giving her a hearty pat on the back, "I knew you could do it, Hinata! You're always studying way harder than the rest of us. I bet you deserved an A! I would have given you an A."

Sakura laughs, admiring her own A+ with a glittering smile. "You didn't even read her paper, stupid!"

"So what? If I know Hinata, she did a great job," Naruto rolls his eyes, tossing a friendly arm over the pink haired girl's shoulders. "Let's celebrate! There's a new buffet I've been dying to check out."

Sakura considers, pulling out her iPhone to check her schedule for the day. The back is decorated in rhinestones, a red heart sparkling stylishly under the fluorescent lighting. Hinata wants to sigh. Why are both of her female friends so flawless? Why does she have to be the ugly duckling?

"I don't know, I have a dentist appointment at 3:00," Sakura says, trading her cell phone for a piece of sugar-free watermelon gum. Hers and Ino's flavor, not Hinata's, "I guess I could squeeze in a little friend time, though."

Both Naruto and Sakura turn their attention toward Hinata, who blushes warmly under their gaze. What?

"What about you, Hinata? You don't have homework as an excuse this time!" Naruto grins, throwing his arms over his head in a stretch. His orange polo shirt rides up just enough for Hinata to gather a quick glance of rather toned lower abdominal muscles, and her brain overloads.

"W-What?" she squeaks, licking her lips and trying desperately to avert her gaze. Sakura muffles snorts into her hand while Naruto looks oblivious as ever.

"Don't tell me you don't like buffets! I've heard this one has one of those sushi conveyor belts and everything," Naruto continues, and his shirt falls back into place. Hinata could scream in relief.

As it is, she's staring blankly at her two friends, both waiting for a response. "Ah…Ah…Sure."

She has no idea what she just agreed to.

* * *

><p>"I can't believe Professor Kabuto gave me a C!" Ino groans, slamming a fist on the table and sending green tea sloshing over the brim of her china cup.<p>

Hinata guiltily tucks into her sweet and sour pork with an unprecedented voraciousness, desperately trying to drown out the chatter of her friends. She could have hoped for a more sympathetic environment.

"Haha! You got the lowest grade at the table, Pig!" Sakura teases, making Hinata's insides twist even further, "Even Naruto got a B!"

Naruto laughs the loudest until he gets the jab, and then he's spitting bits of noodle across the table, shouting, "Hey!"

The fried rice is really quite delicious, Hinata thinks to herself, cramming oversized bites down her throat. If only these chopsticks were a little bit easier to use…

"Did you at least pass the course?" Sasuke asks, just the slightest bit sympathetic. Or maybe he wants to steer the conversation to safer grounds that won't result in Naruto's slobber all over the table.

Ino smiles and flips her hair over her shoulder, looking confident despite all the blows to her ego, "Of course I did! I got a B plus, y'all. Like any Yamanaka would."

Sakura rolls her eyes and steals a bite of Ino's ebi shumai, "I bet Sasuke ended with an A! Didn't you, babe?"

Sasuke smirks smugly, not even feeling the need to answer that question. There's not a doubt in anyone's mind that Sasuke would get the highest grade in his class. He's a duel enrolled high school student, about to enter his Senior year. The only reason none of them tease him about being younger than the rest of them is because he's just so darn cool.

"Wow, think maybe you should slow down there, Hinata?" Sakura laughs, and it's like time stops. One second, everyone is laughing jokingly, and the next they're all staring and judging.

It is the greatest struggle in the world for Hinata to swallow what's in her mouth. And then she realizes with horror that while she's on her fifth plate, while the other girls are daintily picking their way through their first or second. "I…I just-"

"Hinata knows how to celebrate!" Naruto shouts, lifting his beer to the air in a triumphant cheer, "And you guys thought there was no appetite to match mine!"

Mortification.

They're not looking at her. Sasuke is saying, "We said nobody has _table manners_ like yours," and Ino is groaning, "Yeah, really! Is that soup on your chin? Idiot!"

But her legs are shaking under the table and her cheeks are pinched tight with embarrassment. The giggles are starting. The embarrassed high-pitched hiccups of laughter start forcing their way from her mouth, and she can't do this. Not in front of her friends, not again.

"Excuse me," she says to the table of her smiling friends, all leaning over with their napkins to try to make Naruto presentable to society. None of them hear her, but somehow that makes it worse.

* * *

><p>It's not on purpose. It's the humiliation that takes over her body. She ate too much and her stomach feels bloated and sick, and she's not doing it for the attention, <em>she's not<em>. But it's the beginning of something.

The bathroom lights are fluorescent and bright, like a performer's spotlight. This is nothing. Just a moment in her life, and it will mean nothing. Just one quick purge to settle her stomach.

The bile in throat makes wretched gagging noises, and for a second she thinks she's made an awful mistake. Her dinner flows over her tongue in uncontrollable, violent spurts, depriving her of oxygen and room for any thought beyond _this hurts. _And then she's staring into the toilet bowl, half-digested stomach contents sinking lazily into the drain. _Flush. _It's over. That wasn't so bad. Her stomach feels better after all.

She laughs to herself soundlessly for making things out to be so melodramatic, and she wipes a few unbidden tears from the bridge of her nose.

She carefully avoids her reflection in the mirror as she splashes her face with tap water, sipping it through her teeth.

This is just one of those daily occurrences. Nothing happened.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Don't worry. It's all in good fun, right?<strong>_

* * *

><p>It gets easier each time. A few days later and she filches a few more bites of Hanabi's sundae than maybe she should, and it doesn't even phase her when the first thought to cross her mind is <em>purge<em>. It'll make her feel better. Less full. Besides, she really doesn't need the extra calories.

It's a different location, but really all restrooms are the same, aren't they? With their same glaring lights and porcelain toilet bowls and cracked tile flooring. And she can't help but feel that she's been here before.

This time when she stops to glance in the mirror, the face isn't hers. No, she remembers her jaw line as angular, slimmer. Her cheeks didn't used to be so round.

Step aside, world. A new and improved Hinata is coming through.

* * *

><p>She almost screams in excitement when her first issue of Teen Vogue comes in the mail. Neji and Hanabi share a glance as the girl skips down the hallway, narrowly avoiding a collision with the former before she locks herself in her room.<p>

With a red Sharpie pen, she circles every outfit that Google told her would complement her body type. V-necks and boat necks, corset bodices, and off-the-shoulder necklines. High-waist skirts and dark-wash jeans. Lots and lots of high heels.

Ino and Sakura were both overjoyed when she expressed interest in going to Sephora to get her first make-up kit. They made a day of it, trying out free samples and decorating each other's eyelids. Hinata never felt more beautiful in her life than when she was staring at her reflection and seeing a stranger.

"I'm definitely b-buying you," Hinata says to the magazine, circling a flower print wrap-top.

The cell phone in her pocket vibrates noisily and she jumps, almost throwing the pen across the room in surprise. She has to struggle a little to pull the oversized iPhone out of her jeans.

It's a text message, and she lets out another excited squeal. The first text message she's ever received! She hurriedly unlocks the screen and opens her inbox, eager to see what treasure awaits.

**RESTRICTED:**  
>Poser.<p>

Her elated smile quickly falls into a confused frown. It must be a wrong number, right? It has to be. There's no reason for anyone to be so rude. This is what they all wanted, right? They wanted her to be just like them! If they didn't want this, they wouldn't have pushed so hard or laughed at her!

She tries to type an angry response, full of typos and emphasizing exclamation points, but her words won't send. Stupid restricted number, Hinata grumbles.

The phone vibrates again.

**RESTRICTED:**  
>You're not fooling anyone.<p>

Shaking with unreleased adrenaline, her frustration quickly turns to fear. Who is watching her? Which of her friends is not really her friend?

She turns off her new phone and tries not to cry too loud.

* * *

><p><em><strong>If you didn't want this, why would you force it?<strong>_

* * *

><p>If there's one thing Hinata hates more than talking in front of people, its…<p>

No, wait, there's not anything she hates more.

But here she is, taking a Speech class because Naruto signed up for it too, and really it was inevitable that she'd have to do it some day. She shouldn't be so surprised to find herself standing in front of a sea of her peers, trying to form the words of her life story on the first day.

"It's an elevator speech, Miss Hyuga. The point is to say whatever comes to mind," Professor Kurenai urges, smiling patiently at the shy girl. Hinata really likes her new professor, and maybe that should encourage her to do a better job, but really it's just embarrassing. She can't mess up on the first day!

"Ah…Ah…" Hinata mumbles. How is she supposed to tell the class that what immediately comes to mind is that Naruto looks awfully dashing with his new haircut, and that she would really prefer _not_ to have to go on a date with Kiba when the lecture ends?

There's also the distinct feel of bile climbing her throat. This time not by her own volition, but because if words aren't going to fill her mouth, something else might as well, right?

"I really like Naruto!" Hinata squeaks. A long moment of silence draws out afterward, and the girl can't help but notice Naruto's fading attention suddenly returning tenfold with a startled blink of his eyes. Oh no. Oh no. Damage Control!

"Also Kiba," Hinata tacks on, catching the brunette boy's gaze, "They're some of my b-best friends…"

Then the silence returns. Naruto gives her two encouraging thumbs up and Kiba wiggles his eyebrows at her. Giggles bubble up from her gut. That's better than vomit at least, right?

"What are you majoring in, Miss Hyuga?" Kurenai coaxes, tapping her pen against a clipboard. There's no way the woman could guess that this is Hinata's least favorite question.

It should be simple. Naruto easily got the class in a laughing mood when he said, _"I want to be a ninja!"_ and everyone barely batted an eyelash when Kiba told them, _"My goal is to be a veterinarian, like my sister."_

But part of what makes Hinata so insecure is her lack of direction in life. She wouldn't have even gone to college if it weren't for Naruto. He inspires her. He never gives up, so neither should she!

"I…I'm undeclared," she says, squirming with discomfort, expecting the odd snide comment or misplaced joke. But everyone's expressions remain carefully unimpressed. A comfort really; at least no one laughed at her.

Kurenai stands, jotting a few sentences on her clipboard before waving Hinata back to her seat. "I'm sure you're not the only one, dear."

The girl stumbles over a backpack on the way back to her desk, losing one of her high heels in the process. She closes her eyes in preparation for the mocking laughter, and her audience does not disappoint. Kurenai clears her throat to command attention, and Hinata slinks into her chair like a kicked puppy. All the new clothes in the world can't fix someone's personality.

Her cell phone vibrates in her pocket, sudden and jarring.

**RESTRICTED:**  
>You're just as bad as them.<p>

Her heart jumps to her throat, and she wildly scans the lake of classmates around her. But every single one of them is on their cell phone, texting away beneath the table.

* * *

><p>"You look really hot," Kiba tells her as soon as they get in the car. It smells like pine air freshener and the floor is littered with car magazines and crushed soda cans.<p>

"Um, thanks," she replies, tucking her skirt around her legs and adjusting the air-conditioning vent so that it's blowing directly in her face. Kiba's seats are all-leather interior, hot and sticky in all the wrong ways. Normally it's the sort of thing she could live with, but she doesn't want pit stains on her new shirt.

After an uncomfortable pause of quiet, she adds, "You t-too." He doesn't need to know she means in the temperature sense.

"Speech class was pretty weird, huh? I wonder what grade I got. I get the feeling Professor Kurenai likes me," Kiba rambles as he starts up the car, "She's pretty easy on the eyes, too. Not as hot as you, though."

As soon as the engine purrs to life, his CD player bursts into song, filling the car with music so loud Hinata can't even hear herself think. She kind of almost prefers it this way, quickly angling her head so that she's staring at the open road instead of the boy who thinks he's wooing her.

She sees him reach for the volume dial out of the corner of her eye and cuts in, "D-Don't. I like this song."

Kiba laughs easily, despite the fact that she's breaking inside. He removes his hand from the audio player and replaces it on the steering wheel as he starts to back out of their parking place. "Didn't take you as a rap-lover, Hinata."

She doesn't bother correcting him, that she hadn't even noticed what was playing because she was so nervous. "I like a l-lot of things," she says evasively, counting red cars as they pass.

"I can tell," he says, voice laced with something like arousal, and she glances at him to measure his overt appraisal of her new clothes, "I always dug your curves, but I'm kind of honored that you'd go through all the trouble to pretty-up for me."

Hinata chokes on her spit, and starts to try and come up with the right words to explain how _wrong_ he is when she realizes that this is perfect.

She knows already that being with Kiba is going to be the hardest thing in the world. She'll never want him to touch her, to stand too close. But maybe if he thinks that she's trying her hardest for him, he won't feel bad. He won't hurt.

"I'm g-glad you like it," she says, taking the opportunity that presents itself, and burrows her fingernails into the flesh of her palm.

* * *

><p>She's unfortunately aware of every single thing. The couple to her right that seems to think that romantic comedies are a form of foreplay, the M&amp;M rolling beneath the ball of her foot. Every single inappropriate joke on-screen, and her companion's reaction.<p>

Nothing is making any sense. She's observing, but not absorbing. She needs to take cues from the audience in order to understand when it's appropriate to smile or to wince, or when to stuff popcorn in her mouth.

Kiba's hand is upturned on the armrest, begging for her participation. The best she can do is lean as far away from him as humanly possible, up until the point that she's encroaching on the neighboring couple's personal space.

The cold sweat across her hands never goes away, no matter how many times she wipes it away. She doesn't want this; she wants to be at home, pining away for Naruto.

And then Kiba's overzealous fingers creep onto her thigh. That's when she realizes that the hero and heroine are leaning in for a kiss.

Hinata stands so fast that their popcorn goes flying into the other couple's lap.

* * *

><p><em><strong>I needed control.<strong>_

* * *

><p>Co-ed sleepovers are one of Hinata's favorite things.<p>

It's tradition: they all lay out their sleeping bags across the floor of Ino and Sakura's shared apartment as soon as they arrive. Hinata loves this patchwork of pillows and blankets, how each perfectly reflects the personality of the person who owns it.

"Okay, Sasuke. Truth or Dare?" Ino asks when the spinning bottle lands on him.

One of the things Hinata loves most about their sleepovers is that they're always full of good, clean fun. There's the occasional peck on the lips or mooning the neighbors, but the majority of dares put smiles on everyone's faces. No drama, sex, or heavy drinking. Just laughter.

"Dare," Sasuke says, smirking like there's no way in hell he'd pick something as wussy as telling the truth.

Ino smiles contemplatively, tapping her freshly painted fingernail to her chin and says, "I dare you to make up a haiku about your love for Sakura."

Their pink-haired friend immediately bursts into giggles, while Kiba and Naruto groan.

"Dude, make him eat something nasty," Kiba suggests.

"Make him prank call someone!" Naruto urges.

But Ino shakes her head resolutely, tapping her wrist in the universal _I'm waiiiting!_ gesture.

The dark-haired high school student crosses his arms thoughtfully, counting out words on his fingers like a five year-old. Maybe the beer is getting to him.

"Sakura is hot. She smells like flowers and stuff. I want to kiss her," he says after little practice, smiling smugly at the group. Naruto and Kiba nod in agreement like the poem was stellar, while Ino lets out a load and unimpressed moan.

Sakura throws her arms around her boyfriends neck, planting a sloppy kiss on his cheek, "Aww! That was sooo sweet!"

Hinata hears Naruto mumble, "That's probably the most words he's ever said," and she giggles.

Sasuke shrugs it all off like he's being humble, taking hold of the brown bottle on the floor and giving it a mighty spin. It revolves once, twice, three times before landing at Hinata's knee.

The group all blinks at her with eager smiles on their face, and Sasuke asks the ultimate question, "Truth or Dare, Hinata?"

The girl stares at the offending bottle, and the word that immediately comes to mind is _Truth!_ But the new and improved Hinata knows that her friends hunger for more dares. Nobody wants a rerun of _"If you had to kiss Akamaru or Kiba, who would you pick?"_

"Um…Dare," she says.

"What?" Ino demands, eyes wide, "You never choose Dare!"

Hinata tries to shrug it off as nonchalantly as Sasuke, but she finds him glaring rather peculiarly at her. He probably already had a nice Truth question in mind for her, and she's ruined it for him

"Go easy on her, Sasuke! It's her first time," Naruto laughs, patting her on the knee absent-mindedly. The gesture sends her cheeks flaming, but she stares forward resolutely, awaiting her fate.

Her opponent plays with the bottle while he considers, the dregs of the beer inside spilling out over the hardwood flooring. She's the only one who notices.

"Daring Hinata makes me feel like a dirty old man," he eventually admits, "If it were Ino, I'd just tell her to flash the pizza boy when he shows up."

"Damn straight," the blonde girl laughs and takes a long gulp from her homemade mimosa, wiping away her orange moustache when she pulls the glass from her lips, "Just make her kiss somebody or something. That's everybody's first dare."

Sakura shakes her head, pointing at Naruto, "My first dare was to brush my teeth with Naruto's toothbrush!"

"Oh yeah…" Ino sighs nostalgically, a silly smile on her face.

Sasuke considers a moment longer, and says, "I dare you to…who do you like? Kiba? I dare you to kiss Kiba."

The brunette boy grins, pointy canines glaring blindingly and threateningly. No way. She's not going to take their relationship to the next level during _a game of Truth or Dare!_

Sakura groans dramatically and slaps her boyfriend on the shoulder, "No, they probably do that all the time! Tell her to kiss Ino or something! Something scandalous! God, Sasuke."

Kiba's smile drops and he sulks into his beer, mumbling something derogatory about Sakura and fetishes that nobody quite catches.

"Fine!" Sasuke grouches, "Fucking kiss her already."

Hinata thinks fleetingly that this is what college is about. This is what she's supposed to be doing. She's supposed to pine after one boy while dating another, accept dastardly dares and kiss girls at sleepovers. And when she approaches Ino's mouth with her own, she feels proud.

"Damn," Sasuke says when the deed is done, Hinata's face glowing red as a tomato, her lipstick smeared across her friend's lips, "I do feel like a pervert."

* * *

><p>When the pizza arrives, Ino flashes the deliverer as promised (even without being directly dared to), and the poor boy is so dazzled he leaves without the tip.<p>

"Dude, they forgot sausage!" Naruto complains, despite piling his plate six slices high, "What's going to replace its meaty zest?"

Kiba snorts and mumbles, "That's what she said," and Ino falls over in squealing laughter.

"You guys, what movie do you want to watch?" Sakura asks, nibbling on a breadstick while she flips through her meager collection of DVDs and VHS tapes. From her place behind the pink-haired girl, Hinata can tell they've already seen all the movies.

"Let's play a video game instead," Sasuke offers, nabbing a few slices of plain cheese for himself and his girlfriend before taking his place by her side. "Got any generic fighting games?"

Hinata tunes out the conversation to return to the kitchen for a glass of water, the smell of grease thick in the air. The remaining slices in the box taunt her menacingly, and it takes all her self control not to put Naruto's appetite to shame. If she wants to reach a size 6, she'll have to put every ounce of self-control to the test.

"Don't worry, I got you some already," Kiba says, offering her a red plastic plate with four slices decorated with pepperoni, "Naruto said you like pepperoni, and I know you like to eat a lot."

Hinata tries to glue a smile on her face, accepting the food as graciously as possible. The grease gleams so temptingly on the cheesy surface that her stomach lets out a loud and desperate growl. "Thank you, K-Kiba."

He smiles proudly, taking his success as permission to wrap his arm around her shoulders, guiding her to where the others are beginning to congregate in Sakura's bedroom. They all sit perched upon various surfaces, squeezing desperately into the cramped space. Hinata takes her place, leaning her hip against Sakura's dresser while Kiba remains pressed beside her.

"Ooh! Me first!" Naruto shouts through a mouthful of pizza, grabbing for the nearest available controller.

Ino groans, "There's no way I'm fighting Naruto! He's too good at this!" She tosses the controller to Sasuke who catches it with ease, a casual smirk on his face.

After the first couple of fights, Hinata realizes her mistake. Without her permission, she's eaten two whole slices. It's not her fault, really. The ass-kicking on screen was just too great a distraction. She only meant a little taste.

"Wow, that's all you're eating?" Kiba asks, noticing her abandoned plate, pushed as far away as possible. She takes it as a compliment.

* * *

><p>As the night creeps closer to morning, the others drop like flies.<p>

The boys initiated a wasted battle of who could stay up the latest, but in the end only she and Naruto triumphed. Sasuke was the last to fall, curled adorably around one of Sakura's pillows.

Hinata didn't mean to put herself in this most coveted position, lying sleepily beside Naruto's hunched form. But there's no room for sleep on the horizon, not when she feels guilty for ruining her diet for the billionth time. She should have nibbled on some celery or something instead.

The moonlight filters scenically through the open blinds, tinting Sakura's bedroom the color of lilacs. This is Hinata's favorite color, and she basks comfortably in its glow while Naruto plays some unheard of adventure game.

"I hate this boss," he grumbles, still loud in his attempts at quiet. His voice is one of the things Hinata loves about him, and she smiles blissfully in response.

"You'll beat him," she sighs into the crook of her arm, lying delicately on her stomach. Her wrists smell strongly of flowers, and she pushes her limbs away to let Naruto's pheromones overwhelm her. She hopes she isn't breathing too loudly. That would be embarrassing.

Naruto smiles into the brightness of the screen, and cheers, "You're damn right I will."

Hinata has almost drifted into dreamland, the quiet sound effects from the television efficiently lulling her to sleep, but she feels something foreign wander its way into her hair.

She blinks her eyes open slowly, their lids barely opening wide enough for her to see. Naruto is staring vacantly at a Game Over screen, his fingers wound into her hair.

Oh, Hinata thinks. This is different. If she were more awake, she'd probably scream so loud she'd rouse the rest of the apartment's inhabitants.

"You lost," Hinata mumbles, her words garbled by her lazy mouth and the blanket against her face. Her companion nods silently, sweeping his fingers through the purple strands at the base of her neck to the bottom of her shoulder blades. "You'll win next time."

Naruto's lips twitch into a distant smile, and he turns his head so he can see her, bathed by the colors of the television. "You've always got my back, Hinata."

His delicate touch is so soothing. She'd never thought anything about Naruto could be so gentle. Maybe she's dreaming. "…of course…I do…"

Her eyelids lower dramatically, but she forces them to rise enough for her to see Naruto's determined face. "I've got your back too," he says, and the words send a shiver down her spine.

"I know," she sighs, and drifts into dreamland.

* * *

><p>When she wakes up, it's late in the evening and all the boys have gone home, but she has a text message on her phone.<p>

**RESTRICTED:**  
>You're pathetic.<p>

* * *

><p><em><strong>Why wouldn't you look at me until I looked just like you?<strong>_

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer: <strong>I do not own Naruto or any of the miscellaneous brand names mentioned. I also don't own the italicized quote at the beginning by Emilie Autumn.

**A/N:** One of the hard things about getting really nice reviews is that it makes me worry I'm going to disappoint everybody. Hopefully this chapter was good, though.

Thank you guys so much for your kind words. I was surprised to read that so many people could really relate to Hinata. I'm kind of both glad and sorry to hear that. One of the reasons I love Hinata is because even though she's so shy and has a really hard time with everything, she's also really brave and strong. So that's why I chose her as the protagonist in this.

I hope you will continue to read and review. (:

-MT


	3. III

**Swallow**

by Misery's-Toll

**Summary: **Hinata struggles to be herself. AU College fic NaruHina

**Songs listened to: **"Waking Dream" by Natalie Walker, "Teen Idle" by Marina and the Diamonds, "Help I'm Alive" by Metric, and "Karma Police" by Radiohead.

I recommend reading in 3/4 view.  
><strong>Warning: <strong>awfulness ahead.

* * *

><p>She is hungry and starving, and so incomplete. Her birdcage ribs are no more attractive than the lumps of unappealing flesh that came before, but no matter what she does the world doesn't stop.<p>

She tries, God how she tries. But she can never catch up.

* * *

><p><em><strong>I was just trying to figure things out.<strong>_

0

_You think this torment is romantic, but it's not except to you._

* * *

><p>For some reason, she is awake long before sunrise.<p>

The morning is silent in a way that mysteriously makes everything more real. The ache between her shoulder blades and the itch at the corners of her eyes is amplified by the dark quiet that permeates her bedroom. It's strangely soothing.

She is the only one in the halls at this hour, and she glides through without knowing exactly where she's going. The floor does not creak beneath the balls of her feet and her breath does not wheeze from between her lips as she whispers toward the compound's courtyard.

It's smaller than she remembered. In her mind's eye it was vast and polka-dotted with gumdrop lanterns. There was a time when Hyugas knew how to throw a party, she thinks. In the early days when her mother still lived here, the courtyard was a place of garden parties and music recitals.

The small fountain gurgles and sighs with the sounds of living water, and she dips her fingers into the biting wet as she leans against its edge. There was a time when Neji had to hoist her up so she could claim this perch. They would pretend to be platypuses and whatever other creatures live in such watery homes.

"You're in my spot," a low voice startles her, and she loses her balance. She finds herself elbow-deep in the home of orange koi fish, Neji's hands darting out to steady her.

She lets out a high-keening giggle, drying her palms on her night clothes. "You scared me," she squeaks, and she sees maybe a smirk on her cousin's face, but she can't really tell in the darkness.

"Try to be more aware of your surroundings," he says, sounding exactly like her father in his disapproving tones. It is odd, maybe, that she is the only one who is living the semblance of a life. Her sister and her closest cousin have both been swallowed by a routine of responsibility while she goes out and plays.

She pulls her damp arms closer to herself, imagining she is an otter holding a clam to her breast.

"I'm sorry," she says, pretending they are still children sneaking out for a night of make-believe. It abates the guilt, just a little.

He sits beside her at a yard's distance, his head tilted back to view the sky. She follows suit, glancing up at the pockmarked black.

The air sparkles like spilt glitter, a gaping expanse of shimmering stardust. And _this_ is what she loved about this place. _This _is the reason she never moved out, even though she could have begged to live with Ino and Sakura and fled the overbearing weight of her family's disappointment.

"This is the only place in Konoha where you can still see the stars at night," Neji says with utmost certainty. "Between the hours of midnight and five o'clock you can see the universe. Here and nowhere else."

A moment of silence passes between them before he removes himself from her side. "Why are you here?" he asks, his pale eyes glowing like twin moons. It's enough to send a shiver down her spine.

"W-What do you mean?" she asks, knotting her fingers together to hide behind them. If she concentrates on a spot behind Neji's left shoulder, maybe she can give the illusion of looking him in the eye. Shadows are a good place to hide uneasiness.

He snorts in response and she can't help but feel insulted. "Shouldn't you be getting your beauty sleep?"

"I…I had a weird dream," she says, and pulls at her hair self-consciously, combing her fingers through it. Does she look like she needs beauty sleep? "Do you r-remember Hanabi's fifth birthday party?"

Neji nods almost imperceptibly in the darkness. "There were clowns."

"And s-strawberries on her cake," Hinata adds, biting her lip.

In her memory, the grass is a lemon-lime color, too saturated for reality. The sky is full of cumulus clouds like cotton candy bullets. She wonders how much of it was real and how much of it was her child's memory trying to make sense of things it couldn't. Full sensory overload.

She hears the quiet scrape of Neji's sandals on the cobblestones as he makes to leave the courtyard without farewell. She can't help but feel demeaned, like her thoughts are unsatisfactory for keeping his attention.

"G-Good night, Neji," she calls, but he vanishes into the house without giving a response. The silence he leaves behind is less comforting than it was.

"Good night, Hinata," she whispers to herself, and dips her fingers back into the fountain to feel the nibbles of little fishy kisses against her flesh.

* * *

><p>When she gets back to her room, her phone is glowing on the nightstand. Her first impulse is to stuff it under her pillow and forget about the world. She's suffered enough ego-stabbing for the night.<p>

So she stares at the beige walls of her quarters and tries not to be curious. She tries to think of something else. Her speech class or the koi fish. Naruto's smile, his laugh, or his unwavering confidence.

But eventually curiosity wins over, and she grabs her phone from beneath her pillow.

**Sakura Haruno:  
><strong>Hey, sleepyhead! Hope I'm not waking you up. Meet for breakfast my place, 9:00? ;)

The residual tingling of uncertainty from her conversation with Neji quickly fades, replaced by a fluttering excitement. _Somebody_ finds her worth talking to. She throws herself onto her mattress with a giddy giggle, typing back with eager fingers.

**Hinata Hyuga:  
><strong>will do! :3

* * *

><p>Then day hours bleed through the curtains, waking her from a brief nap she didn't realize she fell into. A quick glance at her clock reminds her of an impending date with her best friends.<p>

"Aww, crap," she hisses, rolling from her mattress in an ungainly stumble. Whatever grace the silent morning gifted her was obviously taken back by the racket of cawing birds and the buzz of family processions. "Th-that's unfair."

She only has the time to comb her fingers through her hair and apply a sloppy sheen of Chanel Glossimer lip gloss before she's on her way out of the winding halls of the Hyuga compound, sliding over polished wood-paneled floors.

"Hinata," she hears, and has to throw herself against the wall to keep from barreling into her father.

"Ah, um, yes father?" she greets weakly, her breath leaving in short gasps. She tries to right herself in front of him, standing as tall as she can muster beneath his stare, and trying _not_ to look like she just ran down a flight of stairs and halfway across their home.

He looms over her, studying her with an imperceptible expression. The pause between them is heavy as he determines his verdict, and finally he says, "You look nice. Try not to ruin it with sloppy behavior."

She bows low to hide her blush and the tears that spring to her eyes. Ridiculous, she tells herself, that she should get so choked up and she stutters, "Oh, um…of c-course. Thank you, father."

She doesn't ease up from her bow until he's left her behind to attend to work in the study. Even then she takes the least-used corridors of her family home to avoid anymore unfortunate run-ins with disapproving relatives. The blush never seems to fade from her face.

* * *

><p>Despite Sakura's chipper early morning text, she answers the door bleary-eyed and in rumpled strawberry-print pajamas.<p>

"Whaa? Oh, right. Come on in," the pink-haired gurl mumbles, throwing her apartment door wide open and shuffling away like an old woman with a bad hip. "There's cereal on top of the fridge. I think we're out of milk."

Hinata blinks in confusion before passing the threshold, following awkwardly behind Sakura until the girl shuts herself into the bathroom.

"Okaaay…" Hinata says to herself, walking down the hall to peer into Ino's room. The small space is an explosion of down feathers and empty beer cans, giving the shy girl an inkling of the missing puzzle pieces.

"Sak, is that you?" Ino groans from beneath a pile of shifting stuffed animals, "Will you make me breakfast, pretty please with a cherry on top?"

Hinata chews her lip for a moment before trekking back to the kitchen to search cabinets for anything other than Pop Tarts and Fruit Loops. Sakura was right about them not having any milk.

She finds a carton of eggs in the fridge and half a bag of Wonder Bread behind a dazzling display of Red Bull six-packs. By the time she has a pan on the stove and the bread in the toaster, Sakura is hobbling from the bathroom to the sofa, a pair of Gucci sunglasses casually perched on her nose.

"I'm just going to…rest my eyes," Sakura says, curling into a ball on top of one of the patterned throw-pillows, "I'm not sleeping. I'm not…sleeping…"

Hinata sighs to herself and prods at the congealing yolks in the pan, throwing in a dash of salt and pepper at her whim. Frustration begins to build inside her chest, the more she stirs on her morning and the progression of events. Is anybody really her friend? Where are they when she needs a study partner, or when she feels too under the weather to party? They're saying, _Aww, maybe next time!_ and leaving her in the dust! Why, _why_ does she keep trying to please them?

But still she prepares two plates of scrambled eggs, buttered toast with raspberry jam on the side. She even drops a couple tablets of Alka-Seltzer in glasses for the two hung-over women before ringing the dinner bell.

"Sakura?" she says quietly, kneeling beside her friend. She gently nudges the sleeping girl's elbow. "I made breakfast."

"Neargh. Mmph," is the girl's grunting reply. The throw-pillow moves from beneath her body to covering her aching ears and she grumbles, "Go away."

"Fine!" Hinata barks and stands, grabbing one of the plates from the counter and carrying it back to Ino's room. Maybe the other girl will be more appreciative.

The room looks worse the second time around, Hinata's darkened mood draining away the humor. She topples a pyramid of beer cans in her way, feeling very little guilt over Ino's unhappy awakening.

"Jesus Christ, Sakura!" Ino yelps, peering between teddy bears at the noisy offender. It takes her a couple of seconds to realize her mistake, and she shoots up in bed, "Oh, shit. Hinata!"

Ino's guilty expression eases a bit of Hinata's frustration, and she finds herself beginning to feel sorry for the woman. Her usually impeccable hair is frazzled and greasy, the previous day's makeup smeared haphazardly across her face.

"I can't believe we forgot!" Ino wails, "I'm so sorry, Hinata! It's just that we were having such a good time that we thought we'd invite you, but then we got a little drunk and…"

Hinata let's out a tiny sigh, passing the breakfast plate to the blonde woman to prevent any unshed tears from falling. "D-Don't cry, Ino. Just eat."

Ino eyes her warily for a moment before nodding, her lip wobbling as she brings the glass of fizzling Alka-Seltzer to her mouth. "Sorry," she says again into the cup, drinking a few tentative sips.

Hinata sets about cleaning up the room as Ino works on clearing her plate, the apartment silent but for the sounds of scraping forks and swallowing. By the time the blonde woman is finished, the feathers are swept into a trash bag, the cans all boxed and ready for recycling.

The two women stare at each other in silence for a minute, until finally Hinata says, "I'm g-going home now."

Ino's frown deepens further, and she pulls herself ungracefully out of bed. Hinata almost wants to groan at the arrangement of washable fairy tattoos sprinkled across the young woman's limbs, but she manages to hold it back. She wishes she could be upset at them for doing this to her, but they invited her with noble intentions.

"Please don't leave, Hinata. I'll take a quick shower and we can go to a movie or something. We'll invite the guys and make a day of it!" she pleads, holding up her credit card and waving it in Hinata's face, "I'll pay for you and everything!"

Oddly touched, and feeling a little bad about her passive aggressive behavior, Hinata concedes, "Alright…I'll just watch TV w-while you get ready."

"Yay!" Ino squeals, throwing herself at Hinata to pull her into a tight hug. Whatever damage the hangover inflicted seems to have vanished with the help of scrambled eggs and forgiveness, and Ino practically skips to the bathroom for her shower.

Hinata tries to make herself at home in the living room, but with Sakura's position adjusted to a lazy sprawl across the expanse of the sofa, she has to sit on the floor. As she watches a contrived Lifetime movie, narrated by her friend's snores, she can't help but feel the last of her anger evaporate away. She's glad she has her friends.

* * *

><p>"I can't believe I drove all the way out here for a chick flick," Naruto moans, staring holes into his ticket stub, "You guys made it sound like we were going to see something cool."<p>

Ino rolls her eyes and stuffs a wad of popcorn in her mouth, "You didn't have to come, nimrod. Today is all about Hinata, so no complaining."

Hinata blushes as Naruto's gaze comes to rest on her. "All about Hinata, huh? Why, is it her birthday or something?"

"Her birthday is in December!" Kiba quickly pipes in, as if to prove his expert knowledge on everything that is the violet-haired girl, "Did she finally declare her major?"

Sakura clears her throat and looks at the floor abashedly, while Ino laughs and wears her shame less obviously, "No, stupid. We're just celebrating Hinata because she's awesome. So shut up and eat some popcorn."

Naruto gives Hinata a grin that sets her face on fire, and they walk into the theater.

* * *

><p>Sitting between Kiba and Naruto, the movie hardly seems interesting. Not when Naruto's knee is touching hers and Kiba's arm is around her shoulders.<p>

Catching her looking at him from the corner of his eye, Naruto grins. "Want some?" he asks, slightly shaking the box so she can hear the chocolates shift around.

For a moment she contemplates all the things that could go wrong. Her hands are sweaty. What if they touch his on accident and it grosses him out? What if the chocolate melts on her fingers and she gets all covered in brown smears? What if she drops the box?

"Sure," she whispers back, smiling as she reaches inside. Kiba clears his throat and adjusts his arm in a way that causes both she and Naruto to lose their hold on the package. Somehow tiny chocolates end up in both their laps, Naruto laughing harder than he has at any of the jokes in the movie.

She expects an immediate rush of pure humiliation. Instead, she finds herself giggling alongside him.

"That's too bad, I guess," he smiles. Hinata's blush is washed out by the changing lights of the movie screen, but the butterflies in her stomach are kinder than they've ever been.

* * *

><p><em><strong>You were really just making it worse.<strong>_

* * *

><p>Professor Asuma is slowly making his way through a lesson on samurais or ninjas, or something that involves a slideshow of weapons on an overhead projector. Hinata wants to pay attention, she really does, but Naruto is texting <em>someone <em>at the speed of light and it's really distracting.

Her cell phone buzzes in her pocket. It takes a moment of blankly staring at the offending object before Naruto's frantic waving for her to check it out forces her into motion.

**Naruto Uzumaki:  
><strong>I MSGED BASTARD, HE SED WE ALL GO 2 HIS FAMILY PLACE DIS WEEKEND & PARTY. TALK 2 ME AFTER CLASS!

_Me?_ Hinata thinks, reading and rereading the message. He's texting _her?_ Suddenly she couldn't care less about whatever Asuma is droning on about. She scrambles to message back.

**Hinata Hyuga:  
><strong>coke

She stares at the faulty message. Great, predictive text. Crap. That looks stupid. Why would anyone say that?

**Naruto Uzumaki:  
><strong>COKE ;)

* * *

><p>Naruto waits for her to gather her belongings, leaning against the doorframe with the most dazzling smile on his face. How are his teeth so perfect and white? She fumbles with her notebook and drops her pencil three times before she finally gets everything properly stuffed in her messenger bag. A bottle of VitaminWater tips out of the side and rolls across the room, but there's no way she's chasing after that. If anyone asks if it's hers, she'll deny it to the grave.<p>

"I'm ready!" Hinata chirps, sounding overeager and she could almost slap herself for being so…so lovesick.

Naruto scoops up the runaway water bottle, passing it back to her without pause or a second glance before he plunges straight into his plan.

"Great! You're gonna be so excited when you hear this. I was texting Sasuke and we came up with this awesome idea to go visit his family's Bed & Breakfast this weekend!" Naruto chatters, his eyes bright and brilliant as he leads her out of the classroom.

He guides her with a gentle hand against her lower back. She almost isn't listening, she's focusing so intently on the warmth of his skin through her shirt. God, does he have any idea what he's doing to her? He can't possibly not realize that he could take her against the wall right here and she would not complain in the slightest.

But no. He continues, "His mom has been whining and nagging him about how he never brings any guests over, so he said (and I quote) "as long as we're not too stupid" (end quote) we can all come. Isn't that great?"

Hinata blinks up at him, his lips looking so inviting. If she just stood on her tiptoes and leaned in…

_No! _she catches herself on that train of thought and immediately her gaze plummets to the floor. "Ah…ah it sounds…yup!"

_It sounds yup?_

His hand vanishes from her skin, and suddenly she can breathe normally again. "Awesome! We're all meeting at Kiba's place on Friday morning…I just haven't told him yet…"

Hinata giggles, still staring at the floor. A brief silence passes, and she dares to glance upward.

Naruto is staring at her, that peculiar expression his face. It appears more and more often these days.

"Well, I gotta go," he says suddenly, coming back to himself, "I'm finally doing lab hours for my computer class. See ya around, Hinata!"

She nods and sighs back, "See y-you."

* * *

><p>Curled up in a ball on the subway as it takes her home, she browses through her texting history.<p>

It strikes her as a little odd that ever since that talk with Neji, RESTRICTED hasn't bothered her once.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Did I seem happy?<strong>_

* * *

><p>"Road trip, road trip, road trip!" Naruto shouts, throwing knapsacks into the trunk with complete disregard to the safety of their precious contents, "This is going to be so awesome!"<p>

Hinata watches from Kiba's front porch, quietly admiring the glisten of the golden hair across Naruto's arms as he indirectly flaunts his strength. He looks so damn good in that orange polo, she couldn't care less if he damaged anything inside her newly purchased Vera Bradley tote.

In fact, they don't even need to go on this trip. Hinata could happily watch Naruto load that hideous minivan for the rest of her life.

The screen door flies open as Ino storms out, a bottled Frappuccino dribbling down the back of her hand as she rushes to rescue her belongings. Her flip-flops make wet slaps against the sidewalk, still damp from the morning rain.

"Not if you break my shit, moron!" she shouts, grabbing her paisley print beach bag from his overly enthusiastic hands.

Hinata sighs and giggles, leaning against a wooden post so she can watch without attracting attention to herself. Sometimes she thinks she was meant for this group, a collection of people so special that they must have needed one ordinary girl to keep track of all the memories. And she remembers everything.

"Whatcha doin'?" Kiba asks, suddenly appearing behind her. In her surprise, she bumps her elbow roughly against the wood column and let's out a shrill squeak. "Sorry," he adds.

"J-Just making sure my stuff survives," she fibs, biting her lip mid-smile. Her eyes drop to the weighted cooler in his hand, condensation dripping over his bare feet, "What's that?"

He shrugs, dropping it on the ground with a heavy thump to pull out a couple of sodas, "Breakfast. Fanta or Coke?"

She shakes her head, clasping her hands behind her back so he won't try to give her one anyway. "I'm fine."

"Hinata's more of a root beer girl," Naruto laughs, bounding up the porch steps to grab the orange Fanta from Kiba's waiting hand. He downs half the can in a single chug. "Unless the facts have changed."

Hinata quickly drops her gaze from the curve of his bobbing Adam's apple back down to the forming puddle of condensation. "I don't like t-to drink before road trips," she stutters, and immediately turns pink. The last thing she wants is to make somebody pull over for a bathroom break. She'd rather die.

Naruto laughs, "Yeah, that's probably smart. Way to think ahead, Hinata!" and claps her on the shoulder before entering the house.

When she finally risks peeking up from the ground, Kiba is giving her the most peculiar look.

"Why do you always get so squeaky around Naruto?" he asks, his face scrunching up as though he is on the verge of piecing together a very complicated puzzle.

Quickly she grabs the remaining Coke from his hand. "Who drinks root beer? N-Not me!" she screeches. She puts all her energy into wrenching open the can with much gusto, but the pop tab just comes off in her hand.

Kiba stares at her. She stares at him.

"Hinata, you are so weird," he says, giving her a quick ass-groping before he wanders down to his truck.

_Please let me die_, Hinata thinks and wilts against the wooden post.

* * *

><p>Kiba's hand is burning a hole in her knee.<p>

They're only half way to their destination, and Hinata is ready to crawl out of her skin. The combination of Naruto and Ino loudly bonding over musical artists in the backseat, and Kiba's overbearing flirting is causing her to regret ever coming.

"Wocka Flocka is my man!" Ino cheers, whipping out her iPhone to sample some of her favorite tunes.

Immediately the voice of a disgruntled rap artist fills the vehicle, and Naruto lets out a loud, "Boo!"

"What do you mean, 'Boo!'?" Ino cries, ramping up the volume, "Wocka Flocka is a prodigy of our time!"

Naruto sticks out his tongue, "Yeah, but _this_ song? This song stinks!"

The bickering continues and Hinata pillows her head against the car door with her arm. Immediately Kiba's hand becomes stroking, with the intention of reassuring.

"Hey, you okay?" he asks, briefly glancing from the street as if to check for any physical damage. Kiba is the rare kind of young driver who concentrates almost solely on the road ahead, breaking only occasionally for a witty retort, and for this Hinata can be immensely thankful.

"Fine," she replies quietly, barely audible in all the backseat's commotion.

Naruto leans forward in his seat, his hand landing on the armrest next to her. The dirt beneath his fingernails looks like little smiles. "Hey, is Hinata feeling sick? Maybe we should stop at a 7Eleven or something. Get her, like…" he trails into a whisper, "a tampon?"

Hinata lets out something like a scream, pulling the hood of her sweatshirt over her head and tying it shut with the strings.

"Is she okay?" Naruto asks.

"I think it's a girl thing," Kiba says.

Hinata just lets out a wail while Ino cackles in the backseat.

* * *

><p>Sasuke's parents' Bed &amp; Breakfast is possibly the most beautiful building she's ever seen. It has a timeless sort of look to it, white slatted sides and ivy-plaited terraces giving it a storybook feel.<p>

Naruto is the first one out of the car, shouting, "I call first pick!"

Ino grumbles after him, making a point of exiting the vehicle in the most ladylike of manners. She and Hinata work together to unload the van while Kiba trips over himself in an attempt to reestablish himself as The Alpha Male.

Hinata is still refusing to remove her hood from her head, pocket heavy with a box of unneeded Tampax.

"Are you still embarrassed about that?" Ino giggles, "Man, I _wish_ Shikamaru would buy me tampons."

Hinata makes unintelligible noises and shakes her head, just taking hold of whatever bag she can and pulling it from the trunk. She is determined to never show her face again.

Her moping is interrupted when Sakura shrieks from the porch, "MY GIRLS!" skipping down the hill just to plow into both of them with a strangling hug.

"Christ, Forehead. You look like shit," Ino says with a laugh, "What, did you and Sasuke go at it like rabbits all night?"

Sakura blushes and half-heartedly shoves the blonde, "No! I just woke up when Kiba honked the horn. Mikoto makes this delicious homemade wine and I may have gotten a bit totally smashed last night watching Toy Story."

Hinata slaps her hand over her mouth to hide a snort, but Sakura just gives her a friendly glare. "What about you, Miss Hoodie? Why are you hiding that pretty face?"

It's Ino's turn to laugh, and she rips the hood from Hinata's head. "She's just embarrassed because Naruto and Kiba think she's on her period and bought her some tampons."

Sakura bursts into snorts and giggles, patting Hinata on the shoulder as joyous tears start to leak from her eyes, "Seriously? Oh my God, I'm going to die!"

"You should have seen them trying to buy it!" Ino adds, breaking down into giggles herself.

Hinata crosses her arms indignantly, pouting, "It's n-not funny!"

Sakura wipes at her eyes and grabs Hinata's bag from its resting place in the grass, "I'm so sorry, Hinata, but it really is. Come on in, you guys. Itachi's making dinner."

* * *

><p>After saying grace, everyone ambles off to find a comfortable place to eat. Hinata lingers in the kitchen for just a little while, listening to Sakura and Sasuke and their comfortable conversation with his parents. Fugaku may be a little stiff, but it's clear that the retired policeman is just glad to have his family. And Mikoto may just be the loveliest woman alive.<p>

When she's certain no one is looking at her, Hinata scrapes her dinner back into the pot. It smells delicious, fettuccini pasta with sauce made from locally grown herbs and produce. It would go much better in the appreciative stomach of Kiba or Naruto.

She slinks out the front door to enjoy the porch swing she remembers hanging there, but there's already someone sitting in it.

"Oh, hey," Kiba greets, legs stretched out long in front of him. In the darkness it is chilly outside, but he doesn't seem to feel the need to hide his gooseflesh.

Hinata teeters in the doorway, uncertain if she should offer her company. She would much rather curl up in her bed upstairs than try to convince herself she belongs in Kiba's arms. She's dug herself deep.

"Hi," she says, stuffing her hands in her pockets. Suddenly she's wishing she still had her dinner, even if only for the sake of giving herself something to busy her hands with. "You're n-not cold?"

Kiba gives her a lopsided smile that makes her heart twist in her chest. "Manly men don't get cold."

Hinata gives an obligatory chuckle, eyes flitting over her shoulder to the safety of indoors. She hears the noisy slurp of noodles and the clink of a dish as it's set on the ground, and then Kiba is motioning her over.

"Are you gonna keep me company, or what?" he urges, "It takes a manly man to admit when he's lonely."

This time her laugh is in earnest, and she sits beside him as delicately as she can mange. Still, she loses her balance with the rocking motion of the bench and ends up planted quite pointedly against Kiba's warm side.

"Oops," she tries to brush it off with a little giggle, to hide her cherry-red blush behind a curtain of hair. But Kiba's arm drops from the back of the bench and settles around her shoulder like an iron bear trap.

This isn't happening. It can't be happening.

"You sure ate fast. Itachi's not that bad of a cook, huh?" Kiba asks, acting so nonchalantly, like nothing is happening. Hinata lets out a gargled noise that he must take as confirmation because he continues, "Not like Sasuke. That guy lives off tomatoes. Ugh."

Silence filters in while Hinata racks her brain for something to say. What is wrong with her? Never has her mind been so blank in her life!

She wishes she could just relax. Kiba is trying so hard and he likes her so much and why can't she just like him instead of Naruto?

He tilts his head toward hers and she smells fettuccini on his breath when he says, "You know, some girls might consider this place kinda romantic."

Hinata swallows noisily, any words she might have said catching in her throat.

And then he's leaning in for a kiss.

A strangled sound escapes her mouth and she shoves him away without thinking. And then she's throwing herself from the porch swing, grasping a nearby banister to keep from falling over in all her shaky momentum.

"I'm…I'm sorry!" she chokes, running indoors to hide as quickly as she can.

* * *

><p><em><strong>I was confused.<strong>_

* * *

><p>Sakura declares the final day of their trip Beach Day. It's 60 degrees Fahrenheit outside, according to the weatherman, but that doesn't stop anyone from pulling on their swimming suits to enjoy the autumn air.<p>

Still humiliated from Friday night's fiasco, Hinata builds a sandcastle by herself while the others play volleyball or splash around in the frigid shallows. She builds it the old-fashioned way with a plastic pail and shovel, trying to keep trickles of shame from flooding her whole body.

Her droopy sandcastle loses one of it's battlements right as she hears the scream.

"Help! Help!" comes a call from further down the beach, where the waves are grey and threatening. Ino's shaking body is drenched, her violet Betsey Johnson swimsuit crusted with sea salt and smears of sand.

At first everyone is just standing there, unsure if what is happening is real. But then they see the tracks of mascara trailing down Ino's cheeks, the heavy sobs racking her body, and all at once they're running toward her.

"What happened?" Kiba is shouting, just as Naruto is yelling, "What's wrong?"

Ino pitches herself against Kiba's arm, her legs shaking beneath her as she cries, "Sakura got swept under! The rip current got her!"

Sasuke runs right past them faster than anyone else can react, his heels kicking up sand behind him. Everyone waits with bated breath as he vanishes beneath the ocean's surface, just a shadow in the monochrome sea.

"You have to find her!" Ino keeps sobbing. She tugs at Naruto's heavy arm, pulls at Kiba's shoulder, "Why aren't you helping?"

Hinata presses an awkward hand to Ino's back, rubbing her sand-mottled shoulder blades in what she hopes is a soothing figure-eight. "If everyone w-went out there, it would only make things worse."

The color drained from his face, Kiba says in a dusty voice, "I'm going to get Sasuke's parents." Hinata doesn't even look at him as he passes her.

Ino drops the ground in defeat, looking hopeless and lost. Her tiny hiccups are the only noise beyond the roar of waves. Hinata looks out over the ocean just as Sasuke's head is bobbing to the surface again. There is no pink against the expanse of grey.

Ino lets out a noisy howl, and Hinata almost wants to give up as well. She can feel her lip wobbling and her knees trembling, but Naruto is standing tall, looking nothing but determined. He looks so sure. How can he be so sure?

As if sensing her eyes on him, he says, "The bastard's got this."

Sasuke is diving back under, his feet flicking into the air like a dolphin's tail before he vanishes. And then pink breaks the surface.

The shore is a commotion as Sasuke is unceremoniously dropping the unconscious body of his girlfriend to Naruto's waiting arms, the black-haired man falling exhaustedly to the ground to catch his breath.

"She's not breathing!" Ino shrieks, falling into hysterics.

"Shut up!" Sasuke growls, gasping and looking tortured, like every breath he takes steals another from Sakura.

And Hinata just stands there, useless and stupid and what can she do? Where is Kiba with Sasuke's parents for God's sake?

Then Naruto is grabbing her arm, hard and electrifying and he's staring holes into her as he says her name. "Hinata! Hinata! You know CPR, I know you do! You can do this!"

She splutters, nodding, falling to her knees beside her friend's prone form. Hinata can't help but think for a moment that she looks like a perfect mermaid.

But she only has the chance to angle Sakura's head before water is bursting from the girl's lips and she's coughing and gagging seawater on Hinata's arms.

Hinata doesn't get to save anybody.

"You idiot," Sasuke growls, and Sakura's green marble eyes slide open long enough to fall on him.

Slowly, she raises her left hand to give him the finger, and her eyes fall shut again.

* * *

><p>Her sandcastle has a footprint in it.<p>

The others are inside, making a fuss over Sakura as the doctor looks her over. They didn't notice when Hinata trailed behind the group only to drop away completely. She had to find her sandcastle.

Color is bleeding into the sky from the sunset, filling the ocean with blood that could have been Sakura's. The roar of the waves is drowned out by the desperate caws of seabirds that peck at the ground for hermit crabs and bread crumbs.

Hinata's stomach groans.

_Zip_. Her jacket is left in the sand to wrinkle. She pulls off her tank-top and unbuttons her jeans, dropping them in a heap on the earth to soak in nighttime dew.

And then she's laying herself bare for whatever god saved Sakura's life. Her matching bra and panty set are modest in comparison to Ino's teeny bikini.

So she dances. Beside the dying sun, she strips away her demons, recalling the grueling ballet lessons her father forced her into as a child. Pirouettes and arabesques strain her starved muscles, but they ring true to her bones.

Her arms creak in their sockets and her legs refuse to bend the way they once did. But she feels beautiful as darkness settles over her like a security blanket.

She falls gently, like a star, and the tears come soon after. They slip quietly down her cheeks, tiny slivers of humiliation and worry and exhaustion that she doesn't wipe away. Not tonight.

And because this is real life, no prince charming comes to rescue her.

* * *

><p><em><strong>I couldn't stop it.<strong>_

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> I do not own Naruto or any of the brand names mentioned.

**A/N: **I know, I know that took forever! I dunno if you guys want some sort of explanation…but basically I sort of ran away from home for a little while because of family problems, but then I came back right away because I couldn't be out in public without being afraid that random strangers wanted to murder me. Paranoia is fun.

Basically after a change in meds I'm back to "normal" and I finally got around to working on this fic again even though I expected to have it finished like three months ago.

Anticlimactic, nonsensical solution (maybe?) to who RESTRICTED is (nothing in this story makes sense anyway since I'm making it up as I go along). A long boring beginning, some misplaced humor in the middle, and a cliché near-drowning episode toward the end. Yay!

I don't expect to have any readers left after that mucho largo hiatus, and I really am super duper sorry. Thank you guys for reading and showing your support. The next chapter is the last and will hopefully be up soon. Sorry, I have no idea what I'm doing.

-MT

P.S.: Eww, long author's note. Shut up, Lily. You're gross


	4. IV

**Swallow**

by Misery's-Toll

**Summary: **Hinata struggles to be herself. AU College fic NaruHina

**Songs listened to: **"Little Hell" by City and Colour, "The House I Grew Up In" by The Weeks, and "Redford" by Sufjan Stevens.

I recommend reading in 3/4 view.

* * *

><p>The kitchen linoleum is sticky to her bare feet.<p>

Hinata can't sleep, so instead she paces back and forth. With all the cabinets hanging open and the refrigerator door ajar, there's no denying the aching growl in her stomach. She's just so goddamn hungry.

First she reaches for an apple from the fruit bowl on the table. She takes one hesitant bite through the fresh, crisp rind and her gums begin to bleed.

It tastes so good.

But she hasn't taken three bites when she sees the chocolate pudding cup, glowing on the shelf in the refrigerator. _I shouldn't_, she thinks, but drops the apple on the floor to grab the dessert.

She rips off the foil lid and dips in with her fingers, sliding the digits deep into her mouth to savor the sweet decadent flavor.

When it's empty, she tears open a bag of animal crackers with her teeth. She swallows each cookie with a gulp of milk straight from the carton, and when she's done with that she downs a can of soda.

Then she eats a banana, a bag of chips, a candy bar, more more more until she's not even tasting it. She's just swallowing, sitting on floor in a sea of her own disgusting failure.

"Oh God," she whimpers, looking at the discarded wrappers and empty packages strewn everywhere like animal bones, picked clean by vultures.

Her reflection looks back at her from the stainless steel oven door. Her hair is frazzled, the circles beneath her eyes deep and purple. She has chocolate smeared across her cheek.

"You're so stupid," she whispers to her mirror image, an ugly gaping corpse staring her right in the face.

"Why don't you j-just die already!" she screeches, throws the browning apple at the oven door, and runs from the room.

* * *

><p><em><strong>I was just dying in slow motion.<strong>_

0

_Can I trust you? But I don't want to!_

* * *

><p>One afternoon, Hinata decides to stop by the convenience store on her way to the subway station.<p>

The earth is watery from a weeklong downpour that has eaten up the sky and left nothing but fog and lightning. The ankle deep puddles are no match for Hinata's Burberry rain boots, scuffed and spattered with mud. She finds herself almost enjoying the pitter-patter of rain against her little pink umbrella.

The 7Eleven's faded sign is barely visible on the horizon when the sound of whirring bicycle wheels suddenly becomes louder than the rainfall.

"Hinata!"

She turns around, raising her umbrella just enough to see beyond the ruffled trim. She cups her free hand to her mouth and exhales, allowing the warmth of her breath to fan across fingers and cheeks. November weather may be beautiful, but it isn't easy on her hunger-addled bones.

"Naruto," she chirps, surprised. It's only been a few weeks since they all visited the beach together, but communication between their group has been a little strained ever since. Kiba still avoids her gaze at all cost, and Sasuke and Sakura can't seem to stop arguing.

It's taken its toll on the innocents of their group as well. Hinata has barely even seen Naruto outside of class, only catching glimpses as he desperately tries mediate his best friends' relationship.

He rides his bicycle up alongside her, carefully maintaining a yard's distance after an initial splash of water gone astray hits her knees.

"I thought it was you! Don't you usually go straight to the station?" he asks, pedaling slowly to keep pace with her.

Hinata shrugs, pulling her scarf tighter around her neck when a gust of wind tugs greedily at her hair. "I thought it w-would be a nice day for a walk?" she tries to explain, but it sounds silly even to her own ears.

"Yeah, I know what you mean," Naruto laughs, "I love riding my bike when it's all wet and rainy outside. It reminds me of home, before the foster care system."

Hinata blushes and nods. Naruto very rarely speaks to anyone about anything of a sentimental nature, except maybe to Sakura. Back in the old days when Hinata was dating Shino, Naruto and Sakura were an unmatchable force of nature. Naruto didn't even learn Hinata's name until after Sakura left him for Sasuke.

"It reminds m-me of my mom," Hinata admits, almost reluctant to offer such a private feeling. But the lopsided smile on Naruto's face is more than worth it.

His hair is plastered to his forehead in little charming curly-cues, his entire body quickly becoming dripping wet. Hinata wonders if maybe he was waiting out the rain somewhere when he caught sight of her and decided to follow.

"I thought you'd get it," he says, shaking his head to clear his bangs from his eyes, "Where are you headed?"

Hinata adjusts her umbrella again to blink up at the suddenly tall and imposing sign of the 7Eleven. The walk seemed like nothing with Naruto beside her. "Um. Right here."

Naruto dismounts from his bicycle, chaining it to the first bolted down object in sight to join her on foot. "I could use some crappy gas station coffee. Err, unless I'm bothering you? Sakura said I should try and be more aware of that. Personal space or something."

Hinata can't help but giggle at the picture of that conversation she paints in her mind, and she shakes her head.

"Awesome," he says, holding the door open for her with a grand flourish, "Sakura said I should do that, too."

Hinata folds her umbrella shut and leaves it propped against the outer wall, entering the building with as much grace as she can manage. "Thank you," she mumbles, her boots squeaking loudly and embarrassingly now that they are indoors.

He gives her a winning grin, an obvious shiver going down his spine at the change in temperature. "Ahh, wow that's nice. They really keep the heater burning in here, don't they?" he thinks aloud, closing his eyes to bask in the warmth. Then, moving toward the coffee machine, he asks, "Hey, do you want anything?"

Hinata's stomach flutters and her cheeks flame; everything about this scenario is like something out of a daydream. She pinches herself discreetly on the wrist. "Um. C-Coffee's fine."

He waves in acknowledgement, setting to the task of filling Styrofoam cups with sludge-like caffeinated liquid.

At the cash register, Hinata clears her throat nervously, attracting the attention of the attendant.

"Marlboro Gold," she squeaks, quickly dropping her driver's license on the linoleum counter. The guy doesn't even look at it, he just grabs the pack of cigarettes and rings up the total with complete disinterest. Hinata wonders if maybe he's beginning to recognize her as a usual.

"What did you get?" Naruto asks, setting the cups down next to her driver's license. The grin on his face is still oddly hesitant, and when it falls on the Marlboros it droops at one corner, "Oh."

The silence that follows is long and awkward, filled only with the static of raindrops and the buzzing of vending machines.

"Are you together?" The cashier finally asks, tapping on the counter impatiently.

Hinata jumps, already blushing from the weight of thick quiet. "W-What? No! We're just friends!" she shrieks, hiding her face in her hands, suddenly feeling way too hot in her coat.

But Naruto just blinks, self-conscious laughter bubbling from his throat as he fumbles with his wallet, "I think he meant our stuff, Hinata."

The cashier gives an unimpressed nod.

"Oh," she squeaks, wishing she could run outside and wash away with the rain. She tiptoes over to the door to wait out the remainder of the transaction so she can get her breathing under control.

By the time Naruto is finished paying, she has an awkward apology written out in her head. She can't believe she embarrassed Naruto in front of that guy! Of all the humiliating mistakes she's made…

"Here," Naruto says, passing her the cigarettes and the cup of coffee, and her apology dies on her tongue. She scrambles to stuff the pack in her pocket and forces her way outside before Naruto can try to open the door for her again.

Beyond the protection of the awning, the rain is violent and heavy. Cars in the distance are at a standstill, their taillights blinking like Christmas bulbs, Naruto's bicycle shuddering pathetically in the wind.

"We're stuck," she mumbles hopelessly. Of all the times to be stranded with Naruto, it has to be after she's made the hugest fool of herself.

Still soaked, he just leans nonchalantly against the brick wall. "I thought something like this might happen," he says and slurps noisily at his coffee. "So, you smoke now?"

Hinata fingers the pack in her coat, rolling her shoulder uncomfortably. She wishes she could still hide beneath her umbrella. "Sometimes."

She watches him through the veil of her eyelashes. He nods once, still curiously deep in thought. "Huh," he finally says, knocking back the rest of his coffee in one gulp.

* * *

><p>It's after dark when the rain finally lets up into a light drizzle, so Naruto follows her to the train station on his bicycle.<p>

"You know, I live right up there," he says, pointing to a dingy apartment building overlooking the red line. There is one dark square among the mosaic of glowing windows, and she can guess without asking which is his.

"I always thought y-you'd live closer to Ichiraku," she jokes, tangling her fingers in her humidity-warped hair. Truth be told, she'd always imagined he'd live in a fancy complex like Sakura and Ino.

Naruto lets out a little a little chuckle, but looks at his dismal window with fondness. "Nah, that side of town's way pricey. But you're still living with your family though, huh."

He doesn't wait for a reply, but plunges forward, "Did you and Kiba break up? He's been acting like a huge ass lately."

The change in subject is so sudden that at first she only gapes at him. Her heart is so full of guilt and shame over that entire weekend. But Naruto doesn't look angry.

"Um...I-I guess," she mumbles, pulling at the hem of her jacket self-consciously.

He steps closer and drops a heavy hand on her shoulder, causing her to start. With all sincerity he says, "Hey, don't worry about it, okay? Any guy would be lucky to have you!"

His hand is so steady and comforting on her shoulder, sending an electrical current through her whole body. In one bold move, she steps even closer, the butterflies in her chest scattering in all directions. She gives him her coyest smile. "You, um...really think so?"

He pulls back to give her a thumbs up and a wink, and she could almost swear that his white smile twinkles. "You'd better believe it! I've got lots of friends I can hook you up with."

Her knees wobble beneath her, whatever moment she thought they were having completely destroyed. And she can't tell whether she's relieved or sad, but all she can force out is a strained, "Oh."

Her head is spinning thick with mud, and whatever he says after that she can't remember long enough to hold on to. There are no confessions of love or deep-rooted affection. There is only _believe it!_

She spews out some nervous, redundant nonsense and says, "I-I have to go home now." And then somehow she is on the train even though she can't remember paying for a ticket or descending the stairs.

* * *

><p>For several minutes, she can do nothing but stare blankly out the windows, familiar scenery flickering past unrecognizably. The rocking of the train is somewhat soothing to her curled up form, lulling her into an inescapable trance.<p>

A sigh parts her lips, and she spirals a finger through her dampened mane of hair. Nothing could convince her that today was real.

She is only startled from the endless agonizing loop in her head by the vibration of her cell phone.

With numb fingers, she finally checks her neglected inbox. There are two unchecked messages.

**RESTRICTED:**

Starving for attention?

Hinata lets out a wheeze, tucking her head between her knees and squeezing her eyes shut tight. The phone clatters to the floor, but there's no one but a homeless man on the opposite side of the railcar to even glance in her direction.

"Why?" she whimpers to herself, fingers curling into her hair and tugging at the roots.

In the months since the carnival, she's struggled endlessly to fit in. Getting up two hours early to get ready and skipping meals has become second nature to her, while her grades still plummet. And maybe her friends like her when it suits them, but no matter how hard she tries she can't get her shit together.

Her phone vibrates on the ground again, almost insistently. She growls with frustration and snatches it off the floor, willing herself to peek at the shattered screen. The letters are crooked and cracked, but they are her solace in a wicked evening.

**Naruto Uzumaki:**

I HAD FUN 2DAY ;)

**Naruto Uzumaki:  
><strong>C U IN SPEECH.

* * *

><p><em><strong>What was the point?<strong>_

* * *

><p>It is 11:45 in the morning. Hinata's Speech class starts at noon, but she hasn't gotten up yet.<p>

The alarm clock sits across the room on her vanity, displaying bright red numbers and playing a song from her iPhone as per the usual wake-up call. Instead of getting up bright and early at 8:00 to turn off the blaring music, she's let it wash over her for hours as she fades in and out of sleep.

She sinks her fists into her stomach to stop the desperate gnawing. She wants to get up. She wants to visit with her friends and work hard and do well, but she's just so tired.

Hinata blinks, and then it's 11:46.

"Get up," she whispers to herself for the umpteenth time. If she leaves now, she'll only be a few minutes late to class. Maybe she can even do her make-up on the train.

"Get up," she says.

* * *

><p>Class is twenty minutes in by the time she finally arrives. Every inch of her wants to enter the classroom, but she has no desire to make the walk of shame from the front of the room to her seat.<p>

_When Kurenai is finished talking_, she tells herself at first. Then Kurenai finishes talking, but the room is too silent to interrupt with the shuffling of feet. Hinata looms just outside the doorway, waiting for the perfect moment to pounce, but it never quite comes.

Class ends, and for a moment she allows the crowd of exiting students to push past her, bumping her shoulders and scraping her elbows. But when she sees Kiba and Naruto nearing the door, she ducks behind a trophy case to hide the sudden rise of horror in her chest.

"-I mean, it doesn't even make sense! Sasuke's just being a bastard and Sakura's being stubborn. They've been fighting ever since Sakura almost drowned, and for no reason!" Naruto moans, tugging at his hair in frustration.

Kiba lets out a long suffering sigh, as though this rant has been in procession for a very long time. "Everybody's out of whack. I mean, what's the deal with Hinata? Is she going to avoid me forever?"

The two males walk past her without notice, and she squeezes herself desperately against the wall in hopes that she can disappear. Unfortunately, they stop practically right in front of her so that Naruto can grab a bag of chips from the vending machine.

"She said you guys weren't dating anymore," he says offhandedly, as though it solves all of Kiba's problems, "But did you hear what Sakura said to Sasuke yesterday? She called him a 'self-righteous pain in the ass' right in front of-"

"Wow, awesome. Nice of Hinata to tell everyone but me, I guess," Kiba interrupts, laughing humorlessly, "She never liked me to begin with, did she tell you that? She was just using me. Hot girls like her can do whatever they want, I guess…"

A shudder of pain shoots through her heart so strong she thinks she might faint. She doesn't really want to hear anymore of this conversation.

But Naruto stops pressing buttons on the vending machine to look Kiba very carefully in the eye. "You don't mean that. Hinata's like the nicest person in the world and you're just angry you can't have her."

Kiba rolls his eyes, but manages to look at least a little apologetic. "You always know how to cheer me up buddy," he drawls, voice laced with sarcasm.

Naruto leans over to remove the chips from the machine and shoves them into Kiba's empty arms. "Any time, friend," he says, and then after another second of contemplation, adds, "You're right about her being hot, though."

As they start to walk away, Naruto turns around and shoots her a wink.

* * *

><p>She's standing in the same spot ten minutes later when Professor Kurenai leaves the classroom, trailing after a few straggling students.<p>

"Miss Hyuga, right?" the woman asks, noticing Hinata despite her still being squashed against the trophy case.

Hinata starts, not expecting to be acknowledged, and lets out a stammering, "Ah, um, yes ma'am?"

Kurenai gives a sympathetic smile, the kind that comes right before bad news. Hinata's stomach churns with a combination of dread and hunger. "I was going to send you an email, Miss Hyuga. Your grades are less than satisfactory, and if you don't make at least an A on your next presentation I'll have to recommend you drop the course."

Hinata nods numbly, wrapping her arms around herself to keep her insides from falling out. "I-I understand. Thank you."

The instructor begins to walk away, but after a second's hesitation, turns back to Hinata. "I don't usually do this, but I might consider letting you choose your partner for the next assignment. If you can give me a one-minute elevator speech right here on why I should."

Hinata blinks, letting out an inhuman sound of surprise before taking a quick scope of her surroundings. The halls are mostly empty, the majority of students having moved on to their next destination.

After a few moments of just staring, she stammers out, "I d-don't understand what's wrong with me. Why it's so hard for me to…to talk in front of people. N-Not even just in class, but when I'm with my friends."

A long pause follows, filled with spinning thoughts and clammy fingers. Her gaze flits from the floor to Kurenai's waiting expression, to an inspirational poster hanging on the wall. When her eyes rest on the vending machine, she forces out with a hoarse voice, "One of my friends…Naruto. Um, he's different. He's not the smartest, but he tries the hardest. He's the reason I decided to go to school. To college. I want him as my partner because I know he won't leave me behind. He will listen to me. I feel b-brave with him by my side."

She opens her mouth to say something more, but nothing comes out but air. All her blood is rushing to her head, and she feels dizzy. Her bones seem to be rattling beneath her skin. Is she shaking? She wipes sweat from her upper lip and it glistens in a streak across the back of her hand.

Kurenai purses her lips in contemplation before finally laying down the verdict. "That was hardly a minute, but much improved over your last attempt. I take it that Mr. Uzumaki is the person you want as your partner?"

Hinata nods, throat too sore to even properly thank her when the woman says, "In that case, you can expect to be paired together, if you promise to show up to class tomorrow."

She nods again, wiping her sweaty hands on the scratchy material of her skirt. It feels overly abrasive against her frozen skin.

After Kurenai walks away, Hinata immediately pushes off the wall in search of a restroom. But this time, not to purge.

"You can do this," she whispers to her reflection, and lets out a giddy squeal.

* * *

><p>The next day, as the lecture draws to a close, Hinata's entire body is tight with anticipation. Her spiral is full of notes and ideas she spent all night coming up with. She is determined not to be a dead weight. <em>This time, <em>she tells herself, _it will be different._

"Hey, study buddy!" Naruto cheers, slapping his palms down on her desk.

"Hi!" she squeaks, pulling her hands over her mouth to hide her over eager grin. But Naruto is frowning. Why is he frowning? He can't be frowning when she's so excited!

"Here's the thing..." he says, "I actually promised that bastard Sasuke that I'd go rescue him from the boredom of his stupid high school fundraiser, so we'll have to rain check on this whole _work_ thing."

Hinata's heart drops in her chest, but she tries to keep her smile. "Well, a p-promise is a promise!" she says with a forced giggle and begins to gather her belongings, the easiest way to hide her trembling hands, "It's alright, Naruto. We'll work on it some other t-time.

When her messenger bag is all packed, Naruto quickly snatches it from the desk and pulls the strap over his shoulder. "You're damn right we will. In fact, I think it would be best if you come along, and we can work on the project after dinner or something. It'll be more efficient that way," he says with a wink, "C'mon, we don't have all day!"

Hinata's faded grin comes back tenfold, and this time she doesn't even bother hiding it.

* * *

><p>"W-What about your bike?" Hinata asks as they step onto the bus that will take them to the train station. Naruto seems slightly distracted by the novelty of it all, taking an extra minute to fish around in his pockets for change to pay the bus fare.<p>

"Sasuke can take me to get it later," he says, waving away her concern. Then, as they step down the isle, his eyes light up. "Wow, this is actually pretty nice!"

As someone who has taken public transportation her whole life, Hinata fails to see how seats with foam bursting from tears of mysterious origins and a floor covered in spilled soda could be considered nice.

"Y-You think so?" she asks, lowering herself daintily onto one of the chairs. Personally, she finds the train much nicer. The plastic benches, while usually covered in crude drawings, can be more easily classified as clean or unclean.

"Beats the rain and the cold!" he cheers, throwing himself into a seat with gusto, "I'd take the bus every day if passes weren't so damn expensive. 2 bucks a day starts to add up after awhile."

Coming from a privileged family, Hinata doesn't know what to say to that, so she just shrugs uncomfortably and stares at her shoelaces.

But Naruto, unfazed by her silence, has no shortage of conversation topics. "Sasuke's gonna be real glad to see you. He'll probably be a dick at first, but he's just in a bad mood since he and Sakura aren't getting along. Don't let it get you down! I've always told him that you guys could be good friends if you only hung out together more."

Hinata blinks, startled.

"Don't look so surprised!" he continues, "I know he's not always the easiest to get along with, but he's got a strong sense of justice and he takes care of the people he loves...don't tell him I told you that though. It'll give him a big head. Bastard."

A small smile grows on Hinata's face. That's just like Naruto to want his closest people to get along. She'll put on a grin and bear whatever sour mood Sasuke is in if it's important to him.

"I'll take it t-to the grave," she says with a giggle, and looks out the window to watch the scenery rushing by.

* * *

><p><em><strong>You gave me hope.<strong>_

* * *

><p>"Well don't you look cute?" Naruto laughs heartily and smacks Sasuke on the back, causing the jingle bell on his hat to tinkle.<p>

The high school student tenses, his shoulders rising up to his pointed ears as he slowly turns around.

"God damn it, idiot. I told you not to come," he says, crossing his arms and trying to look tough, even with the bright red blush that rises to his cheeks.

Naruto grins and grabs an abandoned hat lying on a nearby chair. "That's exactly why I came! I can read between the lines, asshole. I know when you're secretly desperate for help."

Sasuke rolls his eyes before setting his gaze on Hinata. "And what is she doing here?" he asks, his tone slighly accusing.

"Um...Naruto s-said you needed some help!" she says, eyes darting around to look at all the vibrant decorations.

The school auditorium is set up to look like Santa's workshop, empty cardboard boxes wrapped with colored paper and topped with bows stacked in piles beneath fake plastic pine trees. Ribbons and tinsel are curtained along the walls leading up to the stage, where a giant throne-like chair is set up in an arrangement of glittery cotton snow.

Other students dressed like elves staple paper stars to walls, carpet the floor with more fake snow, and set out holiday cookies for the bake sale. Sasuke was busy directing a fellow classmate on how to correctly hang a banner that read "_Happy Holidays!"_ when they arrived.

"Of course he did." Sasuke sighs unhappily. "Well, we're actually right on schedule, so you can go home. The doors open in fifteen minutes and the neighborhood kids will line up to meet Santa."

"Great! That gives us time to go to Subway and get some meatball subs," Naruto cheers, "Let's go!"

Sasuke groans. "Moron. I'm the President of the National Honor Society; I can't just take off. Why don't you and your girlfriend go, and _leave me alone_."

Hinata face flushes. "I w-would like to help if I can!"

Sasuke's eyes narrow at her, looking her over as if waiting for a punch line. "We need someone to hang lights over the doors in the hallway, and somebody else to get the coolers full of soda from Mr. Deidara's car. If your stomachs can wait that long."

Naruto turns around and pulls the jingle-hat over his unruly hair. "How about you do the lights and I'll get the coolers? They're bound to be heavy."

Hinata chews her lip and nods. It never occurred to her that they might be separated.

"Great. Go find Karin. She'll know where the lights are," Sasuke says, pulls a set of keys from his pocket, and hands them to Naruto, "Mr. Deidara's car is parked in the south lot. A black Cherokee."

Naruto gives Sasuke a mock-salute and runs off, leaving Hinata and Sasuke standing alone together.

"Don't tell me you're all talk?" he asks with a raised eyebrow, as if he expected this hesitance from her, "Are you gonna help or not?"

Hinata blushes and nods fervently. "I...I'll go find Karin."

* * *

><p>Out in the main hall, Hinata finds one redheaded girl dressed in street clothes struggling to drag a giant box out of a janitor's closet.<p>

Hinata lingers in the doorway for a minute, unsure of what to do, just watching the girl fumble and curse as she fails to get a decent grip on the box without handles.

"Is this entertaining for you?" the girl finally hollers, standing upright and glaring at her as she wipes sweat from her brow.

Hinata jumps. "Ah, uh, no. Are you Karin?"

The girl stretches long pale arms over her head, grimacing as the vertebrae in her spine crack. "That's my name, don't wear it out. I've never seen you before. Are you a freshman?"

The question takes Hinata by surprise. She knows she's a little short for her age, but she can't imagine getting mistaken for a fourteen year old. Though ever since she dropped below one-hundred pounds, her figure hasn't exactly been the epitome of adulthood.

"In c-college," she says. "I'm friends with Sasuke..."

Karin's eyebrows raise in surprise. "Oh. Of course the hottest senior has hot college friends. Come help me with this."

Hinata teeters by the doorframe a second longer, contemplating coming up with an excuse to back out, but she inevitably caves in with Karin looking at her so expectantly.

"On the count of three, we'll lift," the redhead says, "One, two, three, lift!"

* * *

><p>They end up staying until after 6:00 clean-up, and Hinata finds herself both exhausted and cheerful.<p>

She and Karin sit on the curb outside the school together, sipping leftover ginger ales that didn't get sold. She has no idea where Sasuke and Naruto are, and all she can really do is hope that they haven't left without her.

"So, is he single?" Karin asks, twirling her hair around her finger, "You know I had to ask."

Hinata slowly shakes her head. "I d-don't think so. He and Sakura are going through a rough patch, but..."

Karin sighs and shrugs. "A girl can dream. He's too high on the food chain for me anyway."

Hinata wonders if maybe she should concur, or if she should reassure the girl that she's plenty beautiful. But instead she remains silent and stares out at the twinkling highway of cars and stoplights in the distance, digging her brittle fingernails into the meat of her calf. It gets dark so early at this time of year.

"You know, you should try laxatives," the redhead says suddenly, "They work wonders."

Hinata jerks back, eyes wide. "What?"

"You know what I'm talking about," Karin replies as a blue sedan quietly pulls up in front of them. "This is me. See you around."

Hinata pulls herself to a shaking stand and stumbles backward over the curb. "Y-Yeah. See you."

She watches the redhead climb into the car, and notices for the first time the almost cadaverous prominence of her bones. It makes Hinata feel sick to her stomach.

"Bye," she whispers.

* * *

><p>"Those girls were hitting on you!" Naruto laughs, and Sasuke scoffs.<p>

Naruto had played Hinata for the right to sit shotgun in a game of Rock-Paper-Scissors, and lost. He was poking his head between the front two headrests and Sasuke yelled at him more than once to put his seatbelt on. Hinata had never hung out with the two guys alone like this, driving through the dark with the radio blaring. Half of her felt accepted, like she was finally breaching the inner circle, while the other half was terrified.

"They were in middle school!" Sasuke rebuts, as if it contradicted his friend's statement.

"You've got fangirls! Little teeny-bopper fangirls," Naruto continues, chuckling to himself, "You're like Justin Bieber or something."

When Sasuke takes his eyes off the road to give the blonde a heavy glare, Naruto throws his hands up in defense.

"Sorry, sorry," he says, trying to look serious. "You're way prettier than Justin Bieber."

Sasuke lets out a long-suffering groan and turns the radio up even louder, until Hinata can feel the bass line reverberating through her hole body. Then Naruto taps her shoulder and she starts, turning to look at him with wide eyes.

"Did you have fun?" he shouts over the music. "I'm sorry we kinda lost you back at the school!"

Hinata nods and smiles. Despite earlier revelations, she decides helping out really was fun. It was nice to be productive and to have her efforts recognized; it feels like quite some time has passed since anyone congratulated her on a job well done.

"Cool!" he says and pats her on the shoulder, and finally leans back in his seat to cradle one of the six-packs in his lap.

They were originally planning on just going back to the school to pick up Naruto's bike and go their separate ways. But then they passed a liquor store Naruto was familiar with and they decided they were deserving of a few beers, and from there they headed down to the river.

When they pull up to the City Park, Sasuke's is the only vehicle in sight. The three young adults climb out of the car, and help themselves to the beer.

"I texted Sakura," Sasuke says, tossing his drink from hand to hand. "I think she's gonna come down."

Naruto nods sagely and asks, "Are you two gonna duke it out?"

Sasuke gives a one shouldered shrug and looks at Hinata from the corner of his eye, as though he can't talk about it in her presence. Then he pulls his car keys from his pocket and says, "Come on, let's chug this shit."

The guys puncture a hole in each of their cans, and frothy liquid begins spewing from the side.

"Ready, set, go!" Naruto yells, and the two tilt their heads back as they gulp down the alcohol.

Hinata watches in awe as they empty the cans in 5 seconds flat and crush them beneath their shoes. The two grin proudly at their feat, and Hinata claps in appreciation.

"Thank you, thank you," Naruto says, bowing exaggeratedly, and then whirls around to point at her. "Now it's your turn, little miss."

"Me?" Hinata squeaks, looking down at the 16oz can in her hand

Sasuke laughs. "Hinata's such a lightweight, she'd probably just pass out."

"Nah-uh," Naruto says, shaking his head, "Hinata may be tiny, but she's a warrior. Just you wait—she'll drink you under the table!"

Hinata rolls the beer in her hands, contemplating it. If she sips daintily, she could avoid the embarrassment of getting wet and sticky, but then she'd be proving Sasuke right, that she isn't one of the guys. She wants Sasuke to like her.

And the self-destructive path beckons. Right now she just wants to get shitfaced, to get so drunk that she can't stop laughing until her make-up runs and she can't tell up from down.

"Yeah," she says bravely, taking the plunge. "J-Just you wait!"

Sasuke raises his eyebrows at the challenge, but hands over the keys. Hinata fumblingly wrenches a hole in the can and takes several large, dizzying gulps, though the beer escapes from the corners of her lips and dribbles down her chin.

She keeps her eyes closed and focuses on the bitter taste, on the mechanical motion of swallowing. She wonders if her hollow stomach will be able to hold it down at all.

When the can is empty, she crushes it beneath her boot with a clumsy stomp, and glances up shyly to gauge her companion's reactions.

Sasuke tries to cover up his gape, while Naruto gives her a thoroughly impressed grin.

"She's still standing, Sasuke," the blonde laughs and gives Hinata a one-armed hug, as if to prop her up in case her body decides to prove him wrong. "I think you owe me ten bucks."

"I didn't make a wager," the high school student scoffs, "Idiot."

Hinata knows her face must be on fire, but the full moon washes all the color from the night. She waits for Naruto's welcome heat to vanish from her side, but he doesn't let go.

* * *

><p>Hinata is done for after her third beer, and she has no idea how many Sasuke and Naruto finish off between them. Sakura showed up at some point during the evening, and things continued jovially for awhile, but eventually the pent up tension between boyfriend and girlfriend spilled to the surface.<p>

"You're such a prick, Sasuke! You think you're tough shit, but you're really just a little boy scared of getting left behind!"

Naruto and Hinata sit on the hood of Sasuke's car, listening to the two scream at each other about anything and everything. Hinata holds a cigarette between her lips and quietly inhales each puff of nicotine, enjoying the way it warms her lungs.

It must be the alcohol or the smoke, but she is unafraid for the first time in her life. She feels like they are in their own private bubble where the river gurgles happily and the stars glow just for them.

"They're fighting because they love each other," Naruto slurs, observing the battle with glassy eyes, "I wish that somebody...somebody would love me like that."

Hinata looks up at him, and for once she doesn't feel like she has to hide her gaze. She just soaks in his moonlit profile, occasionally brightened by the red lit tip of her cigarette. He is all hard lines, softened by the kindness in his eyes and the upturn of his lips. How can this beautiful boy not know that he is loved?

Her pulse quickens, and she tries to say something, a confession on the tip of her tongue. There will never be a better moment than this, she knows, yet the words won't form.

Naruto's fingers inch toward hers, almost touching but not quite. And because nothing she ever says comes out eloquently, she settles for lacing his icy fingers through hers.

He turns away from the bickering couple to look down at their adjoining hands, and Hinata's heartbeat pounds in her ears.

"Do you w-want to go for a walk?" she asks, voice shuddering in the cold.

"Yeah," Naruto says seriously, "I do."

* * *

><p>The water is noisier down in the creek bed, having risen from the recent rain, and the soil smells rich and earthy. It's darker beneath the canopy of balding trees, and Naruto keeps a hand on her waist to keep her steady, guiding her when she can no longer find the North Star.<p>

They don't make it far before she runs out of breath and they have to settle down amongst the fallen leaves.

"My parents died when I was really young," Naruto says suddenly, and she can just barely make out his melancholy expression. "And after that I got passed around a lot, because nobody wanted a moron kid who flunked every class and caused trouble at school."

He sighs and rubs a hand over his face, as if to clear the drunken haze from his eyes. He continues, "The court let me live on my own when I was sixteen, and that's when Sakura and I met. I loved her so much... I guess I still do. But she met Sasuke on graduation day, and things were never the same after that."

He grows quiet, and Hinata lets out a breath she didn't known she was holding.

"I was in your c-class," she says shyly, "I remember graduation day."

She remembers it well, watching Naruto with starry eyes as he accepted his diploma. Her heart swelled with pride, seeing him succeed when their whole class treated him like shit since freshman year. It was because of him that she was brave enough to walk across that stage, into the blinding light as a stadium of people looked on.

"I know," he says, and chuckles dryly to himself. "I found you in the yearbook a couple of weeks ago and felt like a moron. I mean, we've gone to school together for what, seven years? And I didn't notice you until three semesters ago."

If it weren't for the inebriation, she'd be able to blink back the honest tears that spill from the corners of her eyes. They surprise her with their suddenness, and Naruto catches her hand before she can wipe them away.

"You are one of the most amazing people I've ever met," he says, his voice tripping as he stares into her watery eyes. "You're so quiet, but...it's not because you don't have anything to say. Just know that...I'm listening. I can hear you."

Hinata feels like she's been trapped underwater, losing herself and her identity in the rippling blue as ice slowly filled her lungs. She's grown detached from her own broken body, floating away with the overpowering current, powerless to stop it on her own.

Naruto's fingers ghost along her frozen cheek and tangle in her hair, anchoring her to the shore. His lips capture hers, and Hinata wonders if this is what fresh air tastes like.

* * *

><p><em><strong>But it's already too<strong>__** late.**_

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer: <strong>I do not own Naruto or any of the brand names or celebrities mentioned.

**A/N:** So...it only took me fifteen months to finish this chapter. I've been slowly working on getting it finished, but I have to admit I'm surprised that I ever really got it done. Supposedly there's one more chapter after this, because I'm not a believer that true love conquers mental illness. Hinata still has a long road to recovery, and whether or not she makes it that far is yet to be seen.

I don't know if anyone is still reading this story, but I figured I'd post the chapter anyway, since there's almost 7,000 words right here. I had a lot of difficulty remembering how to write in present tense since it's been so long since I've tried it, so I apologize for any unintentional tense jumping.

Anyway, if there are still readers out there, will you let me know? Drop a review, please?

-MT


	5. V

**Swallow**

by Misery's-Toll

**Summary:** Hinata struggles to be herself. AU College fic NaruHina

**Songs listened to:** "John Doe" by B.o.B featuring Priscilla, "Coffee and Cigarettes" by Augustana, "Copper Down" by The Boy Who Trapped the Sun, and "Love, Love, Love" by The Mountain Goats.

* * *

><p>Hinata stares at the halo of light overhead, trying to keep her tongue out of the way while the dental assistant scrubs her teeth clean.<p>

There's a crackling noise, like a droplet of rain hitting a flame, and then the woman is apologizing.

"One of your molars just chipped," she says.

* * *

><p><em><strong>The countdown begins.<strong>_

0

_What am I so afraid of?_

* * *

><p>"So basically we're trying to sell a make-believe product," Naruto determines, browsing over the handout Professor Kurenai gave them.<p>

"M-hm!" Hinata squeaks, relieved that they are beginning to make some progress.

The morning consisted of a few awkward moments in which they both attempted to speak at the same time, only to both also insist the other finish what they were going to say first. Neither of them addressed what happened the night before, but she could feel Naruto smiling at her when he thought she wasn't looking.

She feels like her whole body is tingling.

"Have you come up with anything?" Naruto asks gently, an attempt at coaxing her to share the frayed piece of notebook paper she's been holding close to her chest since the moment they sat down.

"Um, just one thing," she giggles nervously, her voice almost getting lost amongst the chatter of the other coffee shop patrons, "I m-mean, we don't have to do it if you don't want to."

He gives an encouraging grin and outstretches his hand for the sheet of paper. Hesitantly, with quaking fingers, she passes it over.

"A voice recorder that transcribes your professor's lecture into text. That's a really neat idea, Hinata! You even drew a diagram. Wow," he says, looking honestly impressed.

Hinata's stomach burns, and not in the usual unpleasant way. "I just doodled it in class yesterday," she offers.

"You're really talented," Naruto says, and then starts to get up, "I'm gonna grab a coffee. Do you want anything? I'm buying."

The memory of what happened last time he offered brings a flush to her face. When the cashier asked _are you together?_

Hinata nods shyly, "Whatever is g-good for hangovers."

Naruto laughs hard and boisterously at that, and gives her a wave as he goes up to the buy counter.

There is a couple sitting at a table beside her. The girl is eating a slice of cheesecake, drizzled with strawberry glaze, licking her fork almost obscenely. Hinata tilts her head, watching each bite vanish into the girl's mouth, like a magic disappearing act. There is no guilt on the girl's face. Her boyfriend isn't judging.

Hinata thinks _I used to like cheesecake._ She can taste the ghost of it on her tongue, but no craving surfaces. Her stomach doesn't so much as growl.

She can't remember the last time she felt hungry. She can't remember the last time she ate a meal in front of someone else, or the last time she swallowed without feeling the uncontrollable urge to GET. IT. OUT.

Maybe it should feel like progress. But thinking about all of it just makes her tired.

She doesn't notice when Naruto sits back beside her.

"Hinata?" he asks, his fingers brushing her wrist. It takes her a moment too long to respond, finds it difficult to look away from the other girl.

Maybe it's the hangover.

She smiles fondly at Naruto, another thrill jolting through her at his casual touch. "What did you get?"

He passes an insulated cup to her, and says a bit hesitantly, "I don't know if you'll like it, but it's some sort of ginger root tea. I used to hate it, but mixing a packet of sugar really helps."

Hinata cups her hands around the warmth of it, feeling it seep into her bones and the ache of her joints. The aroma of ginger is rather pungent, but when she swallows it at its scalding hot temperature, she can barely taste it.

"It's good," she tells him, her tongue stinging.

* * *

><p>They sit in the coffee shop for close to two hours, hunched over the laptop Hinata borrowed from Neji. The power-point presentation looks halfway decent by the time they're finished, complete with sliding transitions and clipart stolen from the internet.<p>

"You know, you make a really good partner Hinata," Naruto says when they're finished. He's on his third cup of coffee, and Hinata can't help but suspect that that's where his boundless energy comes from. "Sasuke may be prodigy or whatever, but he's impossible to work with. His pompous bastardness gets in the way."

Hinata giggles self-consciously, shoulders tense from Naruto leaning over her for so long. "I'm g-glad you're my partner too."

She holds her breath, wondering if she's been a little too honest. But Naruto just rests his hand on her shoulder, giving it a squeeze before he sits back in his chair.

"So..." he starts, "About last night..."

Hinata's fingers clench around the hem of her skirt, her knuckles cracking with the effort.

_I was drunk, and it didn't mean anything.  
><em>_Sorry, but you're not a very good kisser.  
><em>_I prefer pretty girls.  
><em>_We can still be friends though, right?_

She's almost hyperventilating by the time she's cycled through all of the scenarios in her head. She can't do this. She's not ready for her heart to snap in two. Her fingernails bite into her flesh.

"I had fun," he says tentatively, eyes grazing floor, oblivious to the cold sweat breaking across Hinata's forehead, "Would you like to...I dunno, do it again sometime?"

In her surprise, Hinata bumps the table, spilling the remainder of her tea all over herself. The reddish liquid immediately seeps into her Betsy Johnson sweater, dripping down her corduroy leggings. She hastily shoves away from the table, squeaking, "Save the computer!"

Naruto grabs the laptop and sets it aside, saying, "I'll get some napkins!"

Hinata shakes her head, feeling her entire body tremble from shock, "Excuse me..."

She stumbles away, feeling like an idiot. At the same time, her heart is thrumming in her chest with _joy_. Naruto likes her. He liked kissing her. He wants to do it again.

The first thing she does when she gets in the bathroom is collapse on the floor, breathing heavily into her knees. Her heart is beating too hard and too fast, impossible to calm down. She reaches around for something to hold on to, something solid in this spinning world.

She finds the toilet bowl.

* * *

><p>She emerges from the bathroom, clothes only marginally drier. Naruto sits at a different table from before, packing the computer in its travel case.<p>

Without looking up, he says, "Don't worry, I don't think anything got on the computer. It's still working just fine."

He tilts his head up to meet her eyes, and his smile droops at one corner. "Oh, that doesn't look good."

Hinata touches the moist, oblong stain on her sweater and says quietly, "It's okay."

"You still have to walk to the train though," he insists, "You're going to freeze. Do you want to borrow my jacket?"

He pulls the fleece article from the back of his chair, offering it adamantly. It's not stylish like what Kiba would wear. Not leather or designer. But when she takes it from his hands, it feels like a precious gift, infinitely more valuable.

"Thank you," she whispers gratefully.

To her surprise, Naruto helps her put it on, one sleeve and then the other. It smells like him, warm and safe ―it smells like that night after the carnival, when he took her to Ichiraku.

When she's bundled up, Naruto takes her hand like its the most natural thing in the world, like he doesn't feel the way it trembles in his.

"I'll walk you to the train," he says.

* * *

><p>It's strange, standing outside the train station at the very same spot. She can see Naruto's apartment in the distance, the dark shadow in a wall of lights. She can feel the ground shaking beneath her shoes as a train passes.<p>

"You never answered my question, you know," he says pointedly. His fingers are still twisted with hers.

Hinata bites her bottom lip, and feeling brave she asks, "W-what question was that?"

Naruto leans in, close enough that she can see freckles of gold in his bright blue eyes. She never knew they were there. One more thing for her to fall in love with.

He asks, "Can I kiss you again?"

At a loss for words, with her heart in her throat, she blushes, nods. And then his chapped lips are pressed against hers again.

There's a kind of hunger in this― separate from the hollowness that's carved its way out of her stomach. Its a gnawing ache of loneliness, one she didn't know needed healing until Naruto's kiss salved it for her.

Just when she's sure she might explode, they pull apart, white winter puffs of breath culminating between them. Naruto's hot, callused hand is on her face, the pad of his thumb tracing circles on her cheekbone. His other hand rests on her hipbone― frail and small like a bird's.

She wonders what he feels when he holds her like this.

"Wow," he says, with a heat in his expression that she's never seen before. And Hinata's face flushes scarlet.

"Wow," she agrees, her fingers resting against the soft cotton covering his chest. She thinks maybe she can feel his heartbeat, fast and thready. Like hers. It gives her a sense of security, like maybe she's not the only one who feels nervous. Even Naruto, brave Naruto, can feel a taste of what she does.

He hums, a throaty sound that fills Hinata with butterflies. "I like it when you blush," he admits, and presses another chaste kiss to her glowing cheeks.

She ducks her head into his chest and says, "Sadist," feeling lighter than air when he laughs in response.

"Let's meet up again tomorrow before class, huh? We can practice the speech that goes with our badass power-point. Let's blow their minds!" he says enthusiastically, pumping his fist in the air.

"Y-yeah!" she shouts, invigorated in a way she never could have imagined, "Let's do it!"

* * *

><p><em><strong>I loved you more than I loved myself.<strong>_

* * *

><p>"He kissed me!" Hinata squeaks into the phone. She feels like a kid, bouncing up and down on her bed, but inside her is a whirlwind.<p>

"Oh my God!" Sakura's shout is so noisy that Hinata has to pull away from the receiver, "I knew it! I knew you liked him!"

"Well duh, Forehead!" Ino's reply is just as loud, "My bet was always on Naruto. Kiba is cute, but he doesn't have that charming week-old ramen smell that Naruto has."

"Ew, Ino. That's gross," Sakura says, "I hope you're joking."

"Again, duh," Ino replies, "Seriously though. I'm so happy for you, Hinata. Have you been to second base yet?"

Hinata chews her lip, suddenly fascinated with pulling threads from her old quilt, "Um...which one is that again?"

"Boobs," Sakura interjects, "And ass. Clothes on."

"...is that supposed to happen?" Hinata asks, feeling very shy. Of course, _of course_ she's always wanted to go further with Naruto. But her imagination included what she would do to him...not what he might want from her.

"You're so crass, Sakura. I love it," Ino giggles, "But don't worry about it, Hinata. Shikamaru and I were dating for a whole week before we got that far."

"A week?" Hinata shrieks. She thought she had a little longer than that at least.

"You're freaking her out, Pig! Not all of us have as much trouble keeping it in our pants as you," Sakura insists, and then continues sensibly, "Naruto and I were together for two years, remember? It took him a month to get up the courage to kiss me, and then another three before we reached second base. He'd freak out if I even said the word _boobs_. He was such a kid sometimes."

Hinata mouths the word _boobs_ to herself, and wonders if Naruto would still react the same way at age twenty-one. She looks down at her chest, sunken teepees that are barely noticeable in her sleep camisole. She pulls a pillow to cover the view, feeling very self-conscious. Maybe it would be better not to put thoughts in his head.

"Hinata's so sexy though, I'm not sure he'll be able to keep his hands to himself," Ino cackles shamelessly, "Better start wearing your pretty panties, just in case."

Hinata shifts uncomfortably on her bed, thinking about the nude-color, control top lingerie she's been wearing ever since...this started.

"It's not like you've never done it before though, right? You dated that guy in high school..." Sakura reminds her, "What was his name? He was kind of weird. Had an ant farm."

Hinata blushes. "Shino."

"Right! The bug guy!" Ino exclaims, "You said he was your first."

One of the few interesting _Truths!_ she confessed during Truth or Dare.

"Um, well," she starts. She was young then, when she― with Shino... Fifteen, and hurting. Right after her mom-

"First times are always awkward," Sakura says placatingly, "Especially when they're with creepy bug guys. It'll be better with Naruto."

"Cuz you taught him all your moves, right?" Ino says jokingly, "Guess you won't have to start from scratch, Hinata!"

She groans, burying her face in the pillow. Conversations always seem to spiral out of control way too quickly.

"Speaking of, Sasuke and I had the _greatest_ make up sex last night-"

* * *

><p>After hanging up the phone, Hinata decides to take a shower.<p>

The hot water rinses away whatever remnants of tea still linger on her skin, as well as the dirt of the subway station. She presses her fingertips to her lips, smiling at the feeling of skin against skin. The memory of Naruto's lips is sweet on her tongue.

Then she notices the water trailing between her breasts, dripping down the planes of her ribs and her hips. She grabs the loofah from the edge of the tub and begins to scrub at the unattractive flesh, rubbing it raw as if the blood rising beneath her skin will make her appear any healthier.

The flesh doesn't spring back beneath her touch, doesn't feel soft to her roaming hands. It's just skin on bone, nothing loveable about it.

She can't stop the sudden tears that form, hotter than the steaming water pouring over her. They are stinging and salty, catching in the corners of her lips. She crumples in on herself, falling to her knees in the tub, a wilted flower getting pummeled by a rainstorm.

Hinata remembers being fifteen. Remembers the feeling of Shino's delicate hands trailing over her body. She didn't love him, but she didn't hate him either. She needed him. Needed to feel anything after her mother-

The falling water swirls around the drain of the tub, forming a small cyclone before it disappears.

Naruto kissing her at night by the riverside. Sakura lying on the shore, coughing up seawater before Hinata could save her. Shino fucking her as a thunderstorm raged on outside. Her mother, lying in the bathtub, an empty container of sleeping pills and a toppled bottle of vodka floating beside her.

Hinata climbing in on top of her, cold water seeping into her clothes as she pumped her mother's chest. _One, two, three. Breathe!_ Hopeless.

Hinata lets out one wailing sob, and her tears disappear down the drain.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Selfish. Selfish. Selfish.<strong>_

* * *

><p>Hinata is descending the stairs at the subway station when it happens.<p>

It's a little disorienting. One moment she's at the top of the steps, and a second later she's being lifted onto a stretcher.

She sees the computer case lying on the ground a few feet away, and she tries to point, but it seems that her arm is broken.

"My laptop," she croaks to the man lifting her into the ambulance, "Naruto needs-"

"Don't try to talk, okay ma'am? We're taking you to the emergency room," he tells her, "You're going to be fine."

"But-" she says. Her vision swims. "Okay."

* * *

><p>Despite the overwhelming flurry of activity it took to get her into the E.R., waiting to be seen by a doctor takes a remarkably long time.<p>

They lead her to a small cubicle-like room, with nothing inside except for a hospital bed covered in blue fabric sheets. It's chilly, and Hinata finds herself shivering as she sits on the edge of the only piece of furniture in sight.

And she waits, and waits, for what seems like hours in that small room with no clock. She holds her injured arm close to her chest, wrapped in a few itchy layers of medical tape.

Her phone is smashed to bits, the screen crushed when she tripped. Which is odd, because she doesn't remember falling.

Eventually, a nurse comes in― or Hinata thinks she's a nurse at least. Until she realizes that, unlike the man who bandaged her arm in the ambulance, this woman isn't wearing scrubs.

"Hi," the petite woman says, outstretching her hand for a shake, "I'm Shizune. I'm your social worker."

Hinata doesn't understand why she needs a social worker. Why they're keeping her here in this tiny room, refusing to let her leave. She and Naruto are supposed to give their presentation. What will he do without the power-point? What happened to the laptop?

She gestures at her useless right arm, and says quietly, "Nice to meet you."

"You're probably wondering, 'Why do I need a social worker?' Am I right?" Shizune asks rescinding her hand, voice overly perky for a room this stark.

Hinata gives a vague shrug. She wants to go home.

"I just have a few questions for you," Shizune says, and clicks open a pen to press against a clipboard, "To start, how old are you?"

"Twenty," she squeaks, training her eyes on the floor, "Turning twenty-one later this m-month."

She takes a deep breath, trying to ignore the throbbing in her arm, and the annoying high-pitched whine of the florescent bulb over her head. The sickening anxiety.

Shizune makes a mark on her clipboard, and then continues, "What is your height?"

"Five feet, three inches."

"And your weight?" Shizune asks reproachfully, almost like she already knows that the answer won't be pretty.

"Ninety-two pounds," she whispers. Hinata knows, because she checked this morning. Because she checked the morning before that, and before that.

"What does your daily routine look like? What is a day in the life of Hinata Hyuga?" Shizune asks, still taking notes.

Hinata's mind searches for some vague sense of a schedule. What does she do when she's not pining over Naruto? When she's not failing classes, or trying to prove that she's good enough? That she's worthwhile?

"I...don't understand the q-question," Hinata finally says.

"Well, let's start with this. What time do you get up in the morning?" she asks, looking at Hinata kindly.

At first, Hinata thinks 8:00. She needs to get up early to do her beauty routine. She needs to curl her hair, perfect her make-up, and try on five different outfits. She needs to smell like lavender and freesia, and most importantly, she needs to weigh less than she did yesterday.

But then she thinks about the past couple of weeks, about struggling to even lift her head from her pillow. Being paralyzed by the idea of taking one more step. Her stomach rolling even at the thought of food.

Such a simple question shouldn't be so difficult to answer.

"Usually 11:00," Hinata finally admits, like its something shameful, "But I woke up early this morning." _To meet Naruto._

"And what did you have for breakfast?" Shizune asked expectantly.

Hinata feels a twist in her gut.

"A bottle of water," she says, and then adds thoughtfully, "With lemon."

Shizune nods and asks, "Is that what you usually have for breakfast?"

_No,_ Hinata thinks. She and Hanabi usually fight over who gets the last cinnamon roll, and blame each other for finishing the orange juice. Only that's not true. That was a year ago.

Shizune has a bright, cheery face. She looks...trustworthy.

"Yes," Hinata answers.

"And what do you usually eat for lunch?" the woman asks.

"An apple," Hinata says wearily, "Or a piece of bread."

Shizune nods again, like that's to be expected, "And dinner?"

Hinata thinks of the pile of candy wrappers strewn across the kitchen floor. The empty pudding cups, the apple cores, or a quart of milk, all downed in the course of an evening. It's just that...they never stay down.

"It depends," Hinata finally says, unable to justify her routine, even to herself.

"Have you ever had the urge to throw up after you eat?" Shizune asks. For a moment, Hinata thinks maybe social workers can read minds.

"S-Sometimes," she reveals, galvanized with the realization that she can tell the truth without having to say the words.

"How often?"

"...every time," she whispers.

Hinata thinks maybe she should feel scared. She just revealed a year's worth of carefully guarded secrets to a woman she doesn't even know. But if this isn't the time for honesty, she doesn't know what is. She's tired. She's tired of lying, to herself, to others. She's sick.

The tears start trickling out, no preamble. Like her body has just given up on holding them back. She can't keep anything in anymore: her tears, her words, her food. It all just comes back up.

"Ever used laxatives, diet pills, or diuretics?"

She shakes her head, thinking of Karin. "No."

"Miss Hyuga, has anyone ever talked to you about having an eating disorder?" Shizune asks, finally lowering the clipboard. As if she knows that Hinata has nothing left to offer.

Hinata shakes her head again, fervently, "No. Never. I mean... I learned about them in school. And I don't want that."

"You don't want what?"

"An eating disorder."

Shizune meets her gaze levelly, a somber genuineness to her voice.

"Miss Hyuga, you meet all the criteria for Bulimia Nervosa and Anorexia Nervosa. Your weight and your symptoms all speak to that diagnosis. And judging by the weakness of your bones, you are probably at risk for Osteopenia, although a nurse would have to order a Bone Density Scan to be certain."

This time, Hinata doesn't say anything. She can't. No words come to mind.

"You're an adult, so I can't make you do anything. But there is a very good program in this very hospital for young adults with eating disorders. I used to work in that unit, I think you would fit in there, and probably learn a lot. Are you willing to do that?"

Hinata stares blankly, considering. Why not? Maybe this is what she's been waiting for. For some direction, for someone to finally tell her what to do with her life. She's been braving it on her own for so long.

"Is there someone you would like to call to keep you company during the admissions process?"

Hinata thinks of her father, who is full of backhanded compliments. Hanabi, who is too young to understand. Neji, who doesn't say goodnight.

There is obstinate Kiba, who won't look her in the eye anymore. Genius Sasuke, who always seems to have a snide comment waiting. Ino, who is beautiful and flawless, but says things like _Maybe a pair of skinnies would be better, don't you think?_ Intelligent Sakura, who was valedictorian, but still makes comments like _Wow, think maybe you should slow down there, Hinata?_

And then Hinata thinks of the boy she's in love with, who is probably sitting in Speech class right now waiting for her. The boy who graduated high school despite the bullying, despite the merciless foster care system, and the girlfriend who left him for a younger guy. A boy who thinks Hinata is talented and amazing and says _I'm listening. I can hear you._

"I can't yet," Hinata says, calming herself with a deep breath. She wipes the tears from her cheeks, and squares her shoulders. "I have a p-presentation to deliver."

* * *

><p>It would probably seem ludicrous to anyone else― Hinata's not sure she could explain it if she tried. But this feels like her last chance to do something right. An opportunity to reveal that, unlike all of Sasuke's suspicions, she's not 'all talk.'<p>

She's capable. She can fulfill her promise, and not let Naruto down.

She bursts into her Speech classroom, five minutes before class ends. It's a miracle that she made it, one she can't wrap her head around. It's pure adrenaline and determination that allows her to pass the threshold and enter the room under the scrutiny of her peers.

She isn't pretty. Her hair isn't curled, her make-up undone. Her arm is still wrapped in medical tape, her stomach lined with Ibuprofen and water (with lemon). For the first time, her class is seeing her as she truly is. Sick, but powerful.

"Miss Hyuga," Kurenai says, surprised.

"S-Sorry I'm late," Hinata wheezes, out of breath.

"Hinata!" Naruto exclaims, full of worry. She feels the eyes of everyone in the room on her sweaty, shaking form. At least she's back in her civilian clothes, instead of that horrible, starched gown.

"Naruto," she says with a pained smile, "Are you ready for our p-presentation?"

Naruto, appearing beyond confused, but always fearless, professes, "You'd better believe it!"

Kurenai, at a loss for words, gestures for the two to take the podium.

Standing in front of the rows of classmates, Hinata can't help but feel that she's facing a tidal wave, ready to drag her under. Naruto takes her sweating, uninjured hand in his, giving it a supportive squeeze behind the podium, where no one else can see.

It's then that Hinata realizes that she still doesn't have the laptop.

"The computer...it, uh," she stutters, just loud enough for Naruto to hear.

He laughs a soft, reassuring chuckle. "Don't worry so much, Hinata. I copied the file onto a USB after the tea incident, in case of emergency."

He pulls a bright orange flash drive from the pocket of his matching orange polo, and sticks it into the teacher's computer. After pulling up the file, he takes Hinata's hand in his again, and whispers, "You ready?"

Hinata clears her throat, a cold sweat dripping down the back of her neck. She can feel her blouse sticking to her skin from the moisture, her jeans hanging low from her hips like they can just barely find purchase.

She's sick. She's going to the hospital. This is her chance to say goodbye.

"Introducing," she starts, her voice a small quivering squeak into the microphone, "The _Voice Connect_, a d-device for students of all ages!"

It feels like a dream. The words trip over her tongue uneasily and out of order, but they never halt awkwardly in the air. Naruto's thumb strokes reassuring circles over the back of her hand, his callused skin anchoring her to the shore.

Halfway through the presentation, when her throat runs dry and tears are stinging the backs of her eyes, he takes over.

"I'm sure all of us has fallen asleep during a boring lecture at some point, right?" he asks rhetorically. Then, upon seeing Kurenai's skeptical expression, he continues hastily, "Not yours of course! I find every lecture of yours riveting. As we all do. Please don't fail me."

The class laughs at his antics, and Hinata finds herself shakily laughing along with them. They're just students, clamoring for the moment they get to go home, taking solace in the few moments of humor Naruto can offer.

When he's wrapped up their speech, closing out of the power-point, the class applauds. Hinata feels her heart stutter, her stomach warm with pride. She retreats to her desk on shaking legs, her head spinning. Is this real?

Kurenai wraps up the class with a few concise remarks, and then they are dismissed. When she and Naruto reach the door, Kurenai places a hand on Hinata's shoulder, says sternly, "I'm proud of you Miss Hyuga. Good job today. You too, Mr. Uzumaki."

* * *

><p><strong><em>Things have to get worse before they can get better.<em>**

* * *

><p>Somehow she ends up at his apartment door. When he turns on the light, it doesn't seem so sad anymore.<p>

It's disorganized, chaotic in its inherent Naruto-ness, but she thinks that must be part of its charm. Toppled cups of instant ramen, laundry of ambiguous cleanliness, and mismatched school notes litter the floors and tabletops like confetti. Such an inherent difference from the air of the Hyuga compound.

"I'll get you some ice for that arm, Hinata! Victors deserve 5-star accommodations!" Naruto shouts, too loud in his tiny apartment. She wonders if he gets a lot of noise complaints, "Then you'll have to tell me what happened! Did you get hurt in battle? Are you a member of Fight Club― wait, don't answer that..."

He rummages around in the freezer, finding his icebox disappointingly empty, but he fortunately discovers a bag of frozen shrimp.

He wraps it in a faded hand towel, and offers it with slight embarrassment, "I like to mix it with the ramen," he admits, "...cooked of course! Not when its frozen. But you probably figured that out."

Hinata giggles, and then finds herself sitting cross-legged on his kitchenette floor, no longer able to support herself.

"Naruto, I have something important to t-tell you," she says, her voice cracking. She digs her fingers into the hand-towel as she presses it gingerly against her arm. The continuous throbbing reminds her of why she's here.

Always agreeable, Naruto sits down on the floor beside her, not commenting on how there are chairs only a few feet away. The smile on his face is honest, but his eyes betray the anxiety churning in his mind. It hurts her to know that what she's about to say is only going to make it worse.

"Yeah, alright," he says, resting his elbows on his knees. He looks like he's in for the long haul.

Suddenly, Hinata can't look him in the eye anymore. Every last drop of adrenalin from before has drained away, leaving her only with her empty husk of a body. And the truth.

"I have an eating disorder," she says, ripping off the proverbial band-aid. The words taste foreign on her tongue, a mirror of what the social worker said. Words Hinata didn't want to believe, but knows ring true.

Hinata risks a brief glance upward, to see Naruto's lips turn down at the corners, all trace of humor gone. He takes a sharp inhale, but doesn't say anything, so she continues.

"I didn't show up for our study-session this morning b-because I fainted at the train station. I spent the morning in the emergency room," she says, eyes firmly planted on the ground, "They want me to get treatment."

Naruto's hand cups her cheek, tilts her head up so she has to look him in the eye. There are tears there.

"I'm so sorry, Hinata," he says, his lip trembling, "I should have known... I can't believe I― I'm such an idiot. Please forgive me."

Hinata jerks away from his warm, comforting hand, banging her spine against the cabinet behind her. "D-Don't apologize," she says severely, "I don't deserve it."

Naruto doesn't lower his hand, it just hovers between them as he insists, "Don't say that. There are so many people that love you, Hinata. You have to know that. Sakura, Ino, everybody! You take care of all of us. Let us take care of you."

Hinata shakes her head, fervently. She came here because she needed his support, but now that she's faced with it, the gravity of her actions weighs on her. She's never seen Naruto cry before, despite everything he's been through, but now...

"I'm no good," she sobs into her uninjured hand, stained with nicotine, "I'm a failure. I'm unlovable."

This time she's too weak to push Naruto away as he pulls her into a fierce hug. He rocks her fragile, doll-like body against him, shushing her sobs as she wails pathetically into his chest.

"You're so strong, Hinata," he whispers repeatedly, tangling her hair in his fingers, "You're so brave."

He just holds her, comforts her, like no one ever has. And for once in her life, it's enough.

* * *

><p><em><strong>I am scared. I am hopeful.<strong>_

* * *

><p>The first day is by far the most monotonous. The admissions process is endless, repetitive, and exhausting. She's assessed by three different nurses, two psychologists, a psychiatrist, and a dietician.<p>

The social worker from before drops by briefly to say hello, and to promise Hinata that she made the right decision; then Hinata gets her blood drawn by an orderly.

After determining that her radius bone has only suffered a minor fracture, they get it properly braced. It's such a hassle to change back and forth from her clothing to the hospital gown, that eventually they take her designer clothes somewhere and stuff them in a locker.

The EKG is the hardest. Lying on a cold examination bed while they stick electrodes to her hollow chest brings tears to her eyes. It's when she hears the nurse whisper, _Oh my_, at her cadaverous body that she realizes how close she was to ending up in the morgue.

The bone density scan rings back positive for osteopenia, but negative for osteoporosis. She takes her wins where she can.

They prescribe her Clonazepam, Fluoxetine, 50,000 units of Vitamin D supplement, and a bottle of Calcium tablets. The small prescription sheet with the hospital letterhead feels like an obituary notice between her fingertips.

"I recommend PHP," says the psychiatrist, "Partial hospitalization. You'll spend breakfast, lunch, and dinner with us, and go home in the evening."

In the beginning, home is Naruto's apartment. For someone who hasn't even declared himself her boyfriend, he is fiercely loyal and incredibly protective. He doesn't spill her secret, even though sometimes Hinata wonders if it would be easier if he did. If it would relieve some of the burden of needing to be honest all the time.

It's the third day that she finally cracks under the pressure. Breaks down at the lunch table, tears and snot dripping into her tuna salad.

"I can't do it!"

Somehow though, she does.

* * *

><p>A week later she gets her final Speech grade in her email. It's a B+. Naruto picks her up and twirls her in the air, and they laugh so hard Hinata feels like her sides are going to split.<p>

She confesses the truth to Ino and Sakura, and then stares in wonderment as the two burst into apologies. Hinata still can't wrap her head around that part.

The overwhelming support from her three friends makes her brave. She talks to Neji, Hanabi, and her father, and is disappointed when they aren't understanding. She is encouraged though when they promise to meet for family counseling.

Kiba still avoids her, but Hinata supposes its just as well. Sasuke meets the news with recalcitrance, unable to understand or be supportive, despite Naruto's unrelenting attempts at persuasion.

The meals get larger and more difficult, but with her friends beside her, Hinata manages.

* * *

><p>Six weeks in, and six pounds heavier, a new girl joins Hinata's therapy group.<p>

"They caught you too, did they?" Karin asks, less intimidating without her thick eyeliner and flat iron. Her greasy roots reveal her locks to be a naturally dull brown color, the fading red hair frizzy and untamable. She has a yellow hospital bracelet around her wrist that says in thick letters '**AT RISK**.'

"Bastards put me in inpatient," Karin continues, "After I tried to hang myself with my boyfriend's necktie."

She is a firestorm, difficult to reign in, and hard to convince. Hinata feels accomplished when she's the only one able to persuade Karin to sit down at the table for breakfast, much less eat a bread roll coated in margarine.

"We're all in this t-together," Hinata promises, and the other patients around her nod in agreement.

* * *

><p>Symptom control is touch-and-go. Hinata stays on track for ten days at a time, and then slips up and purges when she sees a triggering billboard. Then she stays clean for another eight days, just to puke her guts out when her father says something unintentionally insulting.<p>

Still, after so many weeks, Hinata starts to look healthier.

"Congratulations!" Doctor Tsunade says on Hinata's last day at the program.

"Good luck, and goodbye for now," the other group members say, before Hinata signs her discharge papers.

They give her a coin for her efforts, bronze-colored with the Serenity Prayer stamped on the back.

_God Grant Me the Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot Change,  
><em>_Courage to Change the Things I Can,  
><em>_and Wisdom to Know the Difference._

* * *

><p><em><strong>One day at a time.<strong>_

* * *

><p>"Your new phone is so adorable," Ino says admiringly, "I love it."<p>

"Who knew they even made flip phones anymore?" Sakura continues, "It's very retro of you."

They help her lug five trash bags of laundry to the nearest Clothing Exchange store in the metroplex. It's been three months since that first day at the hospital, and Hinata is ready to get rid of her sick clothes.

"I'm t-trying something different for awhile," Hinata tells them, determined to start her life over. She's decided that she doesn't give a damn about RESTRICTED anymore. She has her suspicions of who the perpetrator might be, but there's no real way to know for certain.

She has a new phone number now. She can decide for herself who's trustworthy.

"You have so many clothes, it's ridiculous," Ino gripes, relief palpable as she throws a trash bag on the store counter. The sales associate looks a little alarmed by the large pile.

"Hopefully they'll give you a fair amount for these," Sakura continues, "Most of these are designer! Chanel, Marc Jacobs. I'm proud of you for getting rid of them. It must be hard."

Hinata shrugs, although Sakura hit the nail on the head. It's easiest if she just thinks of it as spring cleaning. She can get new clothes now, ones she feels beautiful in.

She still struggles with that part; feeling beautiful is a daily challenge. Naruto doesn't seem to mind texting her daily reminders of how gorgeous he thinks she is, though. It helps.

"What are you going to do with the money?" Ino asks curiously, watching the numbers climb on the register. The sales associate is halfway through the second bag, and the total is already near three-hundred dollars. It's the tiniest fraction of what Hinata spent on them, but she supposes that is to be expected.

"I want to p-pay back my father. For the hospital bills," she explains, "And apply to universities."

Sakura gives Hinata a tight hug, bubble-gum hair tickling her cheeks. "That's so exciting! Do you know what you want to major in?"

Hinata nods, feeling confident in her decision, "Healthcare Management."

Sakura pulls back from the hug, resting her hands on Hinata's shoulders. Her smile is encouraging when she says, "I think that's a brilliant idea."

Ino raises her hand for a high-five, and the resounding smack is a heartening one.

"...Miss?" the sales associate says, wary of interrupting, "We can offer you fifteen-hundred dollars in store credit, or nine-hundred in cash."

"Rip-off," Ino mutters under her breath, offering the woman at the counter a dirty glare.

"Cash, please," Hinata says, ignoring Ino, and fails to fight back the wide smile pulling at her cheeks. She feels so accomplished when she folds the money into her wallet. She did it. She passed the test.

"Where are you going now?" Sakura asks when they step out into the sunshine, "Do you want to catch a movie?"

Still smiling, Hinata shakes her head. "Sorry, I'm m-meeting Naruto."

"Aww," Ino coos, causing Hinata to blush, "You guys are so cute together. We'll have to take a rain-check then. Does Sunday sound good?"

Hinata nods, excitement reverberating through her limbs; not all anxiety is bad, she's learned.

When Hinata starts to walk toward the subway station, Sakura hollers out, "Don't forget to use protection!"

This time, Hinata's screaming is for dramatic effect.

* * *

><p>Naruto opens his apartment door before Hinata even has the chance to knock.<p>

"You're here!" he shouts in her face, far too exuberantly.

He looks beautiful, hair ruffled and T-shirt wrinkled. He's the same as always, filled with boundless confidence regardless of what he put on that morning.

Hinata giggles and pulls him into a hug, his chest burning against her face. "Shh, your neighbors are going to riot."

"Let them," he says, and lowers his chin to give her a long, satisfying kiss.

Three months in, and her lips still tingle when they part. She must be the luckiest girl in the world.

"I'm the luckiest guy in the world," he says proudly, "The whole world needs to know!"

Hinata can't hold back the laughter that spills out, and he looks at her gleefully when she steps into his apartment.

"You _cleaned?_" she asks in amazement. It isn't spotless, but the mess looks more managed. It resembles casual clutter more than a tornado, she thinks fondly. The ramen cups are gone, the laundry stuffed away in the hamper, but all of his papers are still scattered across the room.

Naruto rubs the back of his neck self-consciously and admits, "I was feeling a little restless."

Hinata cocks her head, watching the blush rise on Naruto's cheeks. It's rare for _him_ to be the one who's embarrassed.

"What's wrong?" she asks, delicately taking his hand in hers. His is the one slightly shaking, so its her turn to grip on tightly.

"W-Well," he stammers, full of awkward energy, "I just wanted to ask...you don't have to say yes, but... Will you be my girlfriend?"

Hinata bursts into peals of laughter, tears leaking from the corners of her eyes. She has to balance against the counter the keep from falling over, she's giggling so hard.

"Hey! I'm serious!" Naruto says, sounding somewhat affronted.

Hinata nods, patting him on the arm sympathetically, "I know, I'm sorry. _Of course, _I'll be your g-girlfriend."

Uncertainty gone, Naruto squeezes her against him in a powerful hug, shouting, "Hey neighbors! Guess who has the best girlfriend in the universe?"

The giggles keep pouring out, and Hinata pinches him on the ribcage, "Shh, stop! Stop!"

He relents, but presses his lips against her forehead, rocking her body against him lovingly. "I love you, Hinata."

Hinata smiles against his chest, and says confidently, "I love you too."

* * *

><p><em><strong>I am strong. I am beautiful. I am loved.<strong>_

0

**End.**

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> I do not own Naruto, the song _Swallow_ by Emilie Autumn, any of the designers mentioned, or the Serenity Prayer.

**A/N:** Can't believe I actually finished it!

I don't know whether or not you'll find the ending rushed. It's over 7,000 words long, but I know I sped through Hinata's treatment at the speed of light.

The reason it took me so long to update this is because I have an eating disorder of my own. I spent the last few months in treatment at the hospital for Anorexia.

I'm telling you that because I want you to know how genuine each and every word of this story is.

Hinata's tale isn't my own. I don't want you to think that I just copy-pasted experiences from my own life. If there's one thing I learned at the hospital, it's that there is a powerful difference between the lives of those with Bulimia and Anorexia. And I think it's also important to inform those of you who don't know, that you can have a duel diagnosis.

Still, Hinata's anxiety and feelings of inferiority may as well be universal. And the struggle for young adults to find their identity is just as common.

If any of you suffer from eating disorders of your own, or know somebody who does, feel free to send me a PM on this site. Recovery is difficult, but it is possible.

I hope you all enjoyed the ending, cheesy as it may have been. Send me a review if you can! I'd appreciate feedback, both positive and negative.

Love you all! Thanks for reading and for being patient!

-MT


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